I have struggled and failed when it comes to liking myself. Some days are better than others, and yesterday was particularly brutal.
Certainly, Major Depressive Disorder does not serve to help matters all that much. Being born in the mid-60s and subsequently growing up in a relatively brutal time was not helpful. Not being tested and not receiving help with my High-Functioning Autism did not help. Not being tested right away for partial color-blindness, and instead receiving the suggestion from a kindergarten teacher that I was “retarded” did not help. The kids and teachers who mocked me constantly did not help. The hands-off cold parenting I received did not help. The abusive yelling and hitting from dad did not help. Being punished instead of understood did not help. Not fitting in due to being an undiagnosed Autistic did not help. The general cruelty of the world, as well as the accelerated and amplified cruelty of America, did not help.
That’s just the partial list.
This raises the big, obvious question regarding what will help.
I really have no idea.
All I do know is that liking myself is something that I haven’t been able to master. I don’t really know why I should like myself, beyond the self-esteem benefits that are promised with this. I suppose the idea that happiness must come from within fits in with this idea.
Most of my happiness is a result of external forces, and it’s temporary.
This started out as one problem, and has evolved into two problems.
Does anyone else struggle with this? How would you approach it? What would you do? And how is any of it a case of not fooling myself?
I’m curious to know how you would approach this.