Forrest Gump was just smart enough to know that there was something wrong with his mind and abilities. Conversely, Jenny [the object of his affections] was intelligent, and yet she destroyed her own life and died of AIDS.
So far as intelligence goes, I had viewed myself as being “okay” in the past. As life dragged on, I began to question my intelligence.
This questioning was based on things like my inability to get a new job quickly, my inability to keep a job for longer than 5 years, my various failures at relationships, and bad decisions.
When I made two bad decisions, both of which involved being in a friendship relationship with two different Malignant Narcissists. I suffered the consequences of it, and I became worried.
With that, I sought the help of a therapist. As I told him, my primary concern was that I very well might be stupid. He asked me other questions about my life. I think that my talk about how society has two different sets of rules [one for everyone else, and a separate set for me] prompted him to want to give me a test for Autism, as well as an IQ test.
As he put it, “I’m curious. You don’t look Autistic.”
I agreed to both tests.
The IQ test results, while I won’t say what they were, indicated that intelligence is not in deficit, and is otherwise not a problem for me. Of course, I also tested positive for High-Functioning Autism, which was the true source of my problems, or so I may think, for now.
It’s not a number that is to be thrown around like it’s some kind of bragging right. Only stupid people who are crafty and/or narcissistic would do a thing like that.
After taking a series of WAIS-IV tests, I received my High-Functioning Autism diagnosis and my IQ score at the same time. It left me with one big, burning question: If I’m so fucking intelligent, then why I can’t I use this intelligence to figure a way out of my problems? The problems, of course, include things like getting a job, keeping a job, making friends, and fitting in.
Why can’t I use this so-called “intelligence” to overcome my Autism?
I began to question the veracity of my test results and the therapist’s interpretation of them.
One thing that always plagued me when I was working was something called “Impostor Syndrome.” The office had a speaker come in and talk about this. However, they presented it in some weird way, where this is something that affects only women.
Why I and men in general were left out of the conversation, I will never know. But I did spend a significant amount of time in the nearby kitchen listening to the presentation.
I would often times feel that I was an impostor, simply because I didn’t know everything that others knew about the job. I didn’t stop to consider that they needed to know their things for their work, and I didn’t necessarily need those things.
But I would end up getting quizzed about those things by the boss, which would kill my confidence.
Along those lines is something known as The Dunning-Kruger Effect, which is a cognitive bias in which people wrongly overestimate their knowledge or ability in a specific area.
Was I doing this?
I would later surmise that the very act of asking this question meant that I was not doing it.
What I needed was a reference point.
When I was helping the studio scammer Malignant Narcissist build a recording studio in his old garage, I decided to pay attention to the neighbor kid who was also participating. He was known as “Chunstle.”
Chunstle was born to a crack and meth-addicted mother. As a result, he suffered a great deal of brain damage. He was mostly abandoned, and was raised and groomed by the studio scammer so that he’d always have a physically-capable helper who didn’t ask many questions.
Chunstle had incredible strength that is typically found in people who cannot comprehend things like physical limitations. I once saw him climb a tree using only his arms, like an ape, as he quickly ascended to the top of a 2-story building to gain entry into a window.
In observing Chunstle’s words, I noticed a few things.
After working on the studio, we’d sit in the yard and have beers. Chunstle would regurgitate things that he had heard from Alex Jones. His delivery was serious. He would attempt to speak in a tone that conveyed intelligence.
Then he would sit back, say “Google it,” and get a really smug look on his face.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that, so far as Chunstle was concerned, he was the most intelligent person in the room at any given time. He believed himself to have an intelligence superior to anyone he would ever encounter. And he was very cocky about it.
My non-professional evaluation of Chunstle informed me that people who are not intelligent do not know it, do not question it, and might even believe themselves to be intelligent. Not once did Chunstle ever question anything he said to us. He never thought that maybe he was wrong, or that he was believing utter nonsense. He sincerely believed that saying, “Google it!” made him the person who knew everything.
Chunstle was severely hobbled by the brain damage done by his mother in-utero, and it was obvious in his everyday presence. I do not reference Chunstle’s disabilities as something to laugh at, and I do not speak of it as a way of feeling superior, for that would be a low bar and cruel. Rather, it was interesting to note that he actually did not know how lacking his intelligence was.
This lead me to conclude that only smart people worry about whether or not they might be stupid. Still, this does nothing to say exactly HOW smart someone else might be. It says nothing about the point at which someone might question it, or acknowledge it. Again, I reference Forrest Gump, even though he is a fictional character, for he was just smart enough to know that something was wrong with his brain.
Last I heard, Chunstle had a decent job in manual labor. He has a nice apartment of his own. He has a girlfriend and they are going to get married.
Compared to me, he’s got his act together.
Why can’t I intelligence my way out of this mess? Or does intelligence get in the way? Does over-thinking things cause harm?
Does over-thinking cause someone to write nonsense blogs at 6:25am on a Tuesday? That last question aside, which is answered with an obvious “yes,” I still wonder.
I suppose that all of this leads to my problem. I have been told that I have a rather keen IQ, and yet I cannot figure out how to fix my problems and my life. And I still do what I consider to be stupid things that make my life more difficult. Most of these stupid things revolve around either friends or lovers.
I suppose it can be argued that decisions that are made based on emotion could be inspired by my Autism and have nothing to do with intelligence. However, if I know that I make bad emotional decisions, then I must wonder why I keep making those same emotional decisions.
I knew that I made bad emotional decisions as late as the end of 2019, when I invited an ex-girlfriend to live with me, while I was living with my current girlfriend. Nothing weird or stupid about THAT, right?
This situation is more complex than I can get into right now. All the same, it was a bad decision that I made after someone I had previously known declared that she loved me and cared about me. And this came at a time when my current girlfriend and I were having difficulties.
Of course, it was all a lie on her part, and I was used. The ex-girlfriend is now gone. The current/previous girlfriend returned and we are working together to survive the pandemic, before making any decisions regarding moving on. I think that’s where we are both headed. Time will tell, but I cannot help but feel that I ruined the relationship, even though it was on thin ice at the time of my weird transgression.
And the thing is that I did not cheat behind her back. I told her everything that was happening, as it happened. As boyfriends go, I am not all that great.
I physically cringe when I think about what actually happened. Certainly, an intelligent person would handle this differently, or at least better. But this latest event, in my eyes, stands as a testament to my continued questioning of my own intelligence.
I recently took the WAIS-IV tests again, and got similar results. This means that I have TWO professional opinions regarding my intelligence. And yet, I have to wonder what the purpose of my so-called “intelligence” might be. I know that I do dumb things, and clearly they haven’t stopped. Writing this blog entry might also be an unintelligent move.
I still do not know the purpose of my “intelligence,” or if I will ever be able to harness it or reap the benefits that it should provide. So far, I have gotten nothing out of this intelligence, so I wonder about the purpose of such a measurement.
The whole thing just feels dumb to me.