Lately, it seems that many people are creating their own “X Pill” cultures. The most popular of them all is the “Red Pill,” which is a harsh reality that stands in direct opposition to the “Blue Pill,” which is a world of delusion that is sometimes willful in nature.
For ease of writing, I’m going to stick to the tenets of the “Red Pill.” In the movie “The Matrix,” the Red Pill was what Neo ended up choosing to take, when he was offered a Red and Blue pill. Doing this shocked his system back to reality in an abrupt and violent manner. He got the wind knocked out of him. He was dazed, weak, confused, had trouble getting a handle on things, and went through a great deal of struggle and pain to rise above.
The struggle is a major, undeniable element of the story this movie conveys, and it cannot be ignored. If there were no struggle, then Neo would just swallow this Red Pill, magic would happen, and he would instantaneously become the end product of the film, without any fanfare, concern, or dissertation.
THE FAKE RED PILL CROWDS
How can you tell when you’ve encountered a group of people who use this terminology, while missing the point?
Announcement: The first thing to note is that they love to announce that they’ve “been Red-Pilled.” It’s a very convenient and slightly less Narcissistic way of making a declaration to the world, letting them know that you’re not only intelligent, but you are also more intelligent than anyone else in the room.
A Full Understanding: The faux Red Pill individual will assert that they have a full understanding of the topic at-hand. You can rest peacefully at night, knowing that they’ve got this covered.
Arrogance: It migh be subtle, but there is a definite residue of arrogance emitting from their aura.
Lack of Struggle or Pain: I point back to the second and final paragraph of the “Definition” heading. The struggle and pain, as well as uncertainty and a host of other elements, appear to be a big player. They seem to be the point.
What I am about to write is my story. It is my experience, but is not meant to be utilized as a declaration of deep fact. The truth is that I cannot accurately detail this, but I am going to attempt to do so, to the best of my ability. This struck me like a Mac truck while I was doing dishes, and I dropped everything to write this before it slips away.
AM I HAVING A RED PILL EXPERIENCE?
My story goes all the way back to the day that I was born. I don’t have to give you a long, drawn-out detail of my life.
What I must tell you, however, is that it has been a path of pain. This is not to say that I suffered more than anyone else. In fact, some of the things that cause me pain are things that you may not even recognize, such as being in a room that is a little bit too crowded, or being in a sudden state of major Social Anxiety.
The pain persisted, as I attempted to navigate abusive and other failed romantic relationships, negative employment situations, and more.
Starting in late 2009, I found myself in a unique situation, where it was a personal connection who would be abusing me and exploiting me, and it was not a romantic endeavor, either. They would use my life’s dream of being a professional musician against me.
My dream was effectively turned into a nightmare.
This was brought to a head in mid-2014, after 9 months of emotional and financial abuse at the hands of a cancer scammer, who destroyed my life completely.
When I say that my life was destroyed, I’m talking about friends, acquaintances, and co-workers all believing a horrible rumor about me. Run off of all social networking, this rumor would extend, destroying my job and career, disrupting my reputation, and more. It also initially killed my hope for Humanity.
Years of pain followed, which was punctuated with a variety of life events, including a few deaths, the loss of a major relationship, an Autism diagnosis, a Major Depressive Disorder diagnosis, and more.
These diagnoses also came with the results of an IQ test, where my numbers showed to be better than I had hoped. It was a strange situation where a psychiatric professional declared my IQ to be “way more than adequate,” as he told me that, “you have no problem with intelligence at all. In fact, if you were in a room of 100 people, you would be smarter than 89 of them.”
Now, consider the scenario where a trained professional gives you this news, and the only thing you can think is, “Well, if I’m so fucking intelligent, then WHY can’t I use that intelligence to fix any of this?”
It’s like getting news that doesn’t matter.
My perception of the world warped, waved, and twisted. The things I used to believe, love, hope, enjoy, crave, and would dream about were dead and gone, without a trace.
I had to spend TWO years getting the nerve to do anything more than drive to the guitar shop on the weekend. I might see a friend on occasion, but I wasn’t having that much fun. I was struggling to appreciate their company, and I do [ more about these amazing people later]. There was a darkness that coated everything.
When my cat died in early 2019, I freaked out and drove over 1,000 miles to move to another state, to a town that I didn’t even know existed until shortly before I started driving. People who live less than an hour from this town also do not know that it exists.
I moved here to die.
Not necessarily a suicide thing. I felt like the way I was in California, I was a husk of my former self, clinging to the life I’d once had and lost. My Blue Pill life.
Rather, my old life needed to die off.
I LOVED my Blue Pill life. There was music, friends, and adventure. Never mind that most of it was a lie. I still enjoyed every minute of it. Every lie they told me. Every time they pretended to care about me. I dug it immensely.
I wasn’t even gone for a year, when a glimmer of hope struck, when I found a former girlfriend online. We’ll call her “Jane Doe.” Jane claimed to love me and we got together.
It was like getting my old Blue Pill life back. It was magical, fascinating, stimulating, and it drove me to want to be the absolute best version of myself possible.
But then, the faux veneer began to peel away. She didn’t love me or care about me, or anything. It was just a case or “mirroring,” where I was showed whatever I wanted to see.
It was a bad simulation that almost cost me my life.
I got the opportunity to pick back up with my old situation, but it had been destroyed. There was no going back.
WHY WRITE ABOUT THIS NOW?
Lately, I’ve had too many people whom I respect and trust say too many important things to me over the past month. It has me wondering whether or not I’m really having a Red Pill experience.
To summarize, I had a life that was full of horrible things, but also had an assortment of illusions that I found comforting.
One day, it all came crashing down, just as it would when one takes the Red Pill.
I spent a long time feeling weak, depressed, unable to function, and very confused. There was a great deal of struggle and pain.
At my lowest, I got a taste of what could be described as what the Blue Pill life used to be about. Then a harsh reality brought me back, like the gravitational pull of a planet.
Over the past month, I’ve been getting some important messages from people I trust. I won’t write what they’ve said or written to me, because those messages are for me, and me alone. They would be meaningless to the ears of anyone else.
And if that is not enough, I am reaching a point in my life where things are about to get really difficult, and it could end up being a life-or-death type of scenario, where I will either sink or swim.
It’s probably coincidental things that I’m recognizing. Human tend to be good at recognizing patterns.
Was this a Red Pill? If it was, then it was given very forcefully, without water, and I almost choked and died on it. I feel like I’m in the galley of a strange ship, struggling to cope with the pain I feel in my eyes as I try to use them for the first time.
I’m not going to get on a high horse and tell everyone that I’ve gotten something figured out. In fact, I’m going to say what most people should admit, which is that I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I have nothing figured out, at all. The more I learn, the more I realize I don’t know, and the more stupid I feel.
I would love to say that this is some kind of Red Pill experience, because then I’d have more confidence and certainty about how things are going to turn out for me. That would be such a wonderful thing. However, I don’t really know what it is at the moment. Autism and Major Depressive Disorder appear very real whenever I look at them.
This might be air that I’m breathing. Maybe it’s a simulation where I can actually die. Maybe life really is an illusion caused by death.
Those other ideas are very fascinating, but I think that I have a good guess of what is happening.
I am beginning to accept the harsh realities of life.
For the longest time, I would get upset about why that girl did what she did, or why that friend would cause me harm. I’d get angry about bosses who hated me, jobs where I got ripped off, and the unjust nature of the world. Bad situations, horrible people, broken promises, and other avatars of shit.
I’d feel badly about myself for unwarranted and unsubstantiated reasons.
But now that I’m working on accepting that the world mostly stinks and only has occasional nuggets of goodness here and there, the weight of those people, situations, and complaints is feeling as if it is beginning to lift.
Maybe this is the side-effect of acceptance.
Or maybe it depends on how you see things. Look at the world as if there is no Red or Blue Pill. If it were a short-cut, then it sucks as one. If it’s a fix-all, then it’s not fixing it all until YOU fix it all first.
Maybe accepting that most of it stinks means that I have free license to laugh at all of it before I toss it in the garbage and move on. No digging in the trash!
Or maybe I’m a character in a hamster’s dream about running in a wheel.
I started out declaring that I don’t really know much about anything. This is still mostly true. But there is one thing that I feel I do know now that I’ve written this.
There are no short cuts, so don’t even bother asking. They’ll just send you the long way.
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