This story is true.
Back in the 1970s, the world was a different place. I wasn’t yet fully interested in girls, and did not yet have my drivers license. Video games in the home were new, and computers were a few years away, for those who could afford one. Johnny Carson was on for 90 minutes, and in that amount of time I could eat a 32-ounce block of government cheese, with or without crackers.
The most strange thing, to the younger readers out there, is that analog television was broadcast over the air, where we got FIVE whole channels, and the channels actually “signed off” for the night, at around 2:00am or 3, and then starting up again at 5:00am.
This was an activity that was forced by the FCC. They would later take these frequencies and sell them to cellphone companies.
Back to my story.
More often than not, I would fall asleep while watching TV. The sounds of the channel signing off would wake me up.
Here is an example of what this looked like.
Where I grew up, the “meditations” were all religious and had a name like “Moment of Meditation.” This is where a preacher would get a few minutes to send a message, just before the Star Spangled Banner would play, followed by loud static.
It was weird because one minute I’d be listening to Johnny Carson doing a skit, telling a joke, or conducting an interview, and the next minute I’d hear a preacher, an anthem, or noise. It felt like anesthetic time-skipping.
ONE WEIRD NIGHT
One night, after passing out in a cheese-induced coma on the bean bag couch, I woke up to the sound of church organ music.
I sat up quickly and saw the darkened set, with the title of the show overlaying the shot. The lights came up and there was a fake set wall with stained glass, and a woman sitting in a chair.
This was a female preacher, which was very uncommon back in the 1970s.
She starts off her “Moment of Meditation” with a very fascinating claim.
“The Bible contains proof that God is a woman.”
This was a HIGHLY bold claim to make. As someone who has always held NO belief in any gods, regardless of whether or not they were commercially available for purchase, I was very curious. I sat up as high as one can sit on a beanbag couch, and my ears perked up.
Her story was of a woman who had seven gold coins, and who had lost one.
I have struggled to find this story in the King James Bible. There is a story of 10 coins, with one missing, and the missing coin is supposed to represent a lost soul. It doesn’t match up to the story that she told.
No matter, let’s get to the story. I’ll tell it below, as best as I can remember.
“The bible tells us a story of a woman who had seven gold coins, but who lost one of them. She could not find the coin anywhere. So she enlisted the help of her neighbors, who aided her in the search. They looked around everywhere. Eventually, one of her neighbors found the coin, and everyone rejoiced.”
Then, the lights dimmed, the logo showed on the screen, and the Star Spangled Banner began to play. As quickly as it had started, it was over.
What. The. Hell. Did. I. Just. Hear?
Never before had I run through so many emotions at that hour of the morning. The story, as she told it, proved ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about her god, Yahweh, being a woman. Nothing.
At first, I thought that maybe I was stupid, because I didn’t understand how this story proved anything. Then I thought to myself that someone must be truly messed up in the head to interpret this story as meaning something like what she was suggesting.
GROWING UP GAVE ME ANSWERS
As I got older and had amassed more experience with American Christians, I came to realize that this is just how Christians are. They view the Bible as proof, when the Bible is not the proof. It is the claim. Their ideas of proof would sometimes be very circular, and always wacky.
So what was this female preacher saying?
Pretty much the same thing as the male preachers. They were speaking to their audience, not to me.
IN THE END
Now that we have 24/7 access to anything and everything, and we no longer have to plan our days around what is scheduled in the TV Guide, I have mixed feelings. I kind of miss the old limitations of television. And most definitely, I’ll take a few minutes of religious exposure on TV at 2:00am over what is happening online right now. It just never stops!
Have you ever heard a story like this and felt confused by it? I’m curious to know.
I will now end this with a sign-off style message from LOCAL 58. Warning: Do not watch the below clip if you are at home alone at night.
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