Hairless Apes, Empty Restaurants, and Swinging Vines

They really do. The idea that “nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant” suggests that people are less likely to do something if they don’t see others doing it.

Yes, he hired professional crowds to attend his rallies, to make him look more popular. To be fair, this is standard procedure. This creates the illusion of popularity. Nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant.

Many people do things to remedy this situation. Most of the time, this involves paying other people [typically actors] to show up. This is the case, whether it’s an actual restaurant, a political rally, or a musical performance.

Brian Epstein did something similar when he was managing The Beatles. When they released their first single, he purchased between 30,000 to 50,000 copies of the single himself. This generated the illusion of popularity, which inspires monkeys to take a look and even seek out a sample.

But this happens with everyday people as well.

Women don’t want to date a single guy. But if he’s got a girlfriend or a wife, the woman pursuing him will view this as the man being “relationship material.” The irony is that the minute a married man gets involved with a woman other than his wife, he is no longer marriage material.

Ever hear that “it’s easier to find a job when you have a job?” This is because employers are also hairless primates, and they are no different. If you don’t have a job, then there MUST be something wrong with you, and they won’t hire you. But if you already have a job, they get as excited as a homewrecking woman who sees a wedding ring on your finger.

My life philosophy has been completely different. I am that rare hairless ape who actually walks on the floor of the jungle, instead of enjoying the relative safety of swinging from vine to vine.

When I had a job, I would never go looking for a new job, in spite of the advice I had been given time and time again that points to the contrary.

For me, I cannot sit in a potential employer’s office and look them in the eye when I am effectively stabbing my current employer in the back, and they are paying me. Yes, corporations DO NOT care about any of us as individuals, at all. But I have to live with myself.

I did engage in a dating experiment, a VERY long time ago, when I was a younger man. I had a shit job, a shit car, and not much money or anything else to my name.

The problem was that women my age would not talk to me, or even acknowledge me. They didn’t like me and weren’t attracted to me.

Around this time, an adult in my life told me that, “Nobody wants to eat in an empty restaurant.” I don’t know why they said this, but I decided to run with it.

My experiment required a $59 investment. I went to a pawn shop and bought a man’s wedding ring. It was humble; nothing flashy.

Then I would wear the ring, go to a bar, and just sit by myself. I would drink beer and pretend to be watching sports.

All of a sudden, I saw a strong up-tick in the number of women who would approach me. Previously, NO women would talk to me. But when I was wearing the ring, 3-4 women would approach me over the course of the evening.

What was this wedding ring saying to them?

Keep in mind that these were women who were in their 20s, like me. Many were in a rush to find a husband, so they could get married, so they could have children. For women, the clock is ticking.

They could find a single guy, date him for a while, find out whether or not he’s marriage material, and then move forward. However, this comes with the risk that they’ll meet a series of guys who do not want to get married or have children, and then their biological window for procreating would close.

What my ring told them was that some other woman took the time to vet me properly, married me, and probably had kids with me. The ring told them that I was marriage material. The ring attracted them.

It’s like buying a used college book that has already been highlighted, and assuming that the person who highlighted it was both intelligent and correct. For all they know, a woman who was desperate or bad at making decisions married me. They did NOT think of this.

Of course, the moment I would show them any male attention, in the way that a man interested in a woman would do, I would transform into a man who IS NOT marriage material, because I was effectively cheating on my imaginary wife.

This DID NOT concern these women, at all! They weren’t concerned in the least that I might be prone to cheating. This is because each woman sincerely believes that her vagina is made of gold, and that NO MAN would EVER cheat on them. Internally, they blame the man’s cheating on his wife.

Oddly enough, as noted above, employers suffer the same issue as single women who are looking for a husband. They don’t want to vet someone, hire them, and then find out that it’s not a good fit.

But if you are currently employed, it’s as if that employer vetted you and you’re in-demand. This somehow magically goes away when you no longer work there. For the terminated, this is akin to being divorced.

And much like the women in my experiment, they DO NOT care that you are “cheating” on your current employer, at all. They really don’t, and it’s confounding to me that they would have this attitude.

In the course of my life, be it in regard to a new job or a new romantic relationship, I have NEVER swung from a vine!!! I have never started dating someone while I was still in a committed relationship, and I have never called into work sick so that I could go interview at another company.

To me, it feels dishonest. It feels ugly. And while it shouldn’t bother me, because these prospective employers and prospective romantic interests may not really care about me at all, at the end of the day I still have to live with myself.

I was in a long-term relationship that had issues. The problem with these issues was that we spent the first 14 years being way too busy to focus on nothing but the relationship.

Over time, my son graduated high school and stopped visiting. The number of bands that I was performing with dropped down to zero. When my life as I knew it ended in mid-2014, thanks to the cancer scammer incident, there was NOTHING left but the relationship.

And the relationship was in trouble. We didn’t have a romantic connection, and we never stopped to address it. It wasn’t a concern until there was nothing left. We didn’t even understand the issue initially.

It took over 5 years and the interjection of a vine-swinging woman to bring that problem to the surface.

Making the best of it: Catherine, me, and “Jane Doe” at the beach, less than one week after she arrived.

This vine swinger was a woman I had met and dated in 1982. We hit it off and things went well enough. She failed to tell her father about me, so when I showed up, he was so surprised that he tried to kill me with a wrench. It was a terrifying experienc.

There we were, on Facebook, reconnecting and getting reacquainted.

While I was not pursuing her, because I was still living with my current girlfriend, she was pursuing me as she was living with her husband of 16 years.

She wanted to visit to see if we had anything between us. Now, I had been talking about ALL of this with my then-girlfriend, so there was no secrecy or surprise. My girlfriend at the time decided that it would be fine, and said she could visit for a few weeks.

Instead of buying a two-way ticket and visiting for a few weeks, she took $5,000 from her husband’s checking account, bought a one-way ticket, packed as much as she cook, and enacted her solo plan to simply move in.

She painted a picture, where it would be dangerous for her to return, so we allowed her to stay.

When we got her home from the airport, she started unpacking SILVERWARE as she kept saying, “I’m NOT a home wrecker.”

Ahem. Yes. Yes, she was. True, our home was in really bad shape [using “home” as a metaphor for the relationship]. But it wasn’t resolved. I wanted it resolved before moving forward. The problem was that it wasn’t going to be resolved overnight, and definitely not quickly enough for her.

Then I found out that she has been vine-swinging with husbands for her entire life.

She had been married FIVE times. Her claim is that each of these ex-husbands was abusive with her. The one who was the most abusive, her first ex-husband, is the one she married a second time.

She has spent her life swinging from vine to vine.


Because she is incapable of taking care of herself, probably due to her brain injury. I say this not to shame or judge. It is a statement of fact.

So she goes from one bad relationship to another. When she forced herself into my life, I really didn’t know what to do. All I knew was that her current husband was abusive, according to her, and that it would be dangerous for her to return.

Things magically went bad between me and Jane Doe, after she got her $60,000 divorce settlement. She either pretended to go crazy, or actually went crazy, and made life miserable for me. Fortunately for me, she left one day and never came back.

I lost a few things, including some of my psychological progress. But that’s what I get for not standing my ground. I should have gotten upset with her about not getting a round-trip ticket, instead of telling her that we’d figure it out later.

She has become good buddies with her last ex-husband, so I suspect she will be returning to him and that financial security. Good for her.

As for me and my situation, Catherine is here and we are currently working together to survive while we figure out whether or not we can or should fix things up. Worst case, we are truly dear friends, so I am not worried about the future.

Either we will fix things up, or we will split up and I will live my life the way I want. Maybe I’ll meet someone, or maybe not. Maybe I’ll get serious, or maybe not. Or maybe I’ll just keep to myself and enjoy what’s left of my life. That’s on the table, and I think it’s a good thing.

When Jane Doe used me as a vine to escape her latest in a series of husbands, it caused me some trouble and pain. At the same time, it uncovered a BIG problem between Catherine and me, which we weren’t really certain existed. It opened up conversation.

While Catherine and I are still working things through as dear friends, I must say that the aftermath of this incident and what it uncovered truly improved my life. I’m doing better than ever.

Now if I could just find that new job.

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Published by DrumWild

Writing about drums, music, and philosophy.

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