For the past 13 months, I’ve been dealing with the fallout of a failed relationship. There are things that hurt, but often times they are not what we think they are.
Today, I am going to write about what hurt, what I loved, and what I miss.
For those who are not up-to-speed on this, in late 2019 I rekindled an OLD relationship from 1982. We were together from Christmas 2019 to mid-October 2020. One day she just decided to walk out, and never came back.
And I am fine with that.
When we go through a break-up, the first thing we might notice is that there is a bit of pain involved. What we do not think about is the fact that our emotions are boiling on the surface, and can therefore serve as a distraction from what hurts, making the healing process take longer than expected.
So the predictable story goes that the girl leaves, and then the guy is sad because she left. This seems like the logical pain point, but it’s actually a very effective distraction.
Another pain point is the fact that the relationship is over. This is another distraction, although it’s closer to the truth.
The source of all this pain, as it turns out, is the betrayal. Betrayal can manifest in a variety of forms. Sometimes it’s cheating. Sometimes it’s lying.
In this case, it was her failure to be authentic with me. She never showed me who she is or what she is all about. She lied when she said that she wasn’t really a Christian, and that she didn’t really support Trump for president. It leads me to suspect that she also lied about her FIVE marriages.
Although this is true, a piece of the responsibility also rests upon my shoulders. I did not press her for the truth at first. I ignored red flags because I really wanted this relationship to exist.
When she would lie to me, I would accept it at first. Over time, the lies began to annoy and frustrate me.
WHAT I LOVED
For the majority of our time together, I had successfully convinced myself that I loved her. Of course, it is impossible to truly love someone when you don’t really know them or know anything about them, because they either hide or distort the truth, or pretend to be something they are not.
Although I still believe that she was pretending to love me [and I still cannot guess as to her ulterior motives], the hard fact was that the love that I felt was very real to me.
But since I did not know her, I could not love her.
I loved the idea of her. It was this imagined person who didn’t exist; a woman I’d think about on occasion for 37 years.
My “idea of her” is not only my fantasies of what she might be all about, but this was also fueled by her insincerity and lack of authenticity.
Basically, I loved someone [or something] that was not real.
WHAT I MISS
When most people go through a breakup, they believe that they miss the person who has moved on. For a very brief period, I felt as if I missed her. There was a window where I was willing to accept her return, in spite of all of the horrible things she had done.
That window closed when I realized that I did not really miss her. What’s to miss about a person who is engaging in all kinds of negative and destructive behaviors?
What I missed was basically the same thing as what I loved. That is, the idea of her. Again, that wasn’t real.
When I approached all of this as attempting to deal with the heartbreak of a love that was lost, it became an insurmountable problem. It became a mess, where I could not get any resolution.
And I tried to get resolution with her on video chat. However, I made the mistake of being honest and telling her that I was hoping that we’d have some resolution. This was met with hard sarcasm and general negative emotions.
It ended up being part of the reason why the call ended so quickly. Her accusing me of getting back with Catherine in a romantic sense is what initally guided my decision to never talk to her again.
IN THE END
The purpose of this is NOT to shame her, or to encourage people to send her bad messages. I don’t want anyone to do anything to her. I’m certain her life is difficult enough, mainly because she makes life difficult for herself and everyone around her, bu also because she’s not really capable of taking care of herself.
Rather, the purpose is to help others who might be going through the same thing.
So long as I believed that I was sad because a woman I loved had left, it was difficult for me to heal. But when I realized that I was sad because I missed the idea of who and what she was, it became significantly easier to cope with the issue, discard certain irrelevant points, and get straight to the heart of the matter.
Other things I had to discard were avatars that represents the mythology of who and what we were as a couple. When we were together, I felt invincible. Of course, that sensation went away when I realized that I didn’t know her at all.
That’s where I want to end things, really. As part of the mythology, a dear friend sent told me that this woman and me reminded him of this band. I could see it, and so this track entered the mythology of our relationship.
But in the end, we didn’t really have a relationship at all, because you cannot have a relationship with an idea of a mythology.
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