NOTE: I give a political example of Narcissism and Flying Monkeys early in this document. However, I get into other examples beyond that. This is NOT a political post. That said, when writing about Narcissists and Flying Monkeys, this particular event in American History is impossible to ignore.
In the past, I have written about the Narcissists I had major issues with from late 2013 to mid-2014. I’ve also written about the three phases of Narcissistic abuse: Love-Bomging, Devaluing, and Discarding.
But one important element that I never really got into was the flying monkeys.
WHAT IS A FLYING MONKEY?
Flying Monkeys are people who are active participants in the Narcissist’s Discard campaign.
Flying Monkeys are enablers who support the Narcissist’s every word, no matter what!
Flying Monkeys do the bidding of the Narcissist, and they do it eagerly and willingly, without pay. Even worse, they do it without so much as a second thought.
The Narcissist spins a web of an alternative reality, complete with alternative facts, and the Flying Monkeys subscribe to it. Why? They may be blinded by cognitive dissonance, or they might not care.
Regardless of the reason why, they are just as guilty as the Narcissist. As we saw on television on January 6, 2021, at the American Federal Capitol building, the Flying Monkeys will blindly do whatever their Master Narcissist tells them to do. In thi specific case, they will also unironically call others who are not part of their mindless activities “sheep.” Projection at its finest.
This example I just illustrated has political elements. However, Narcissism HAS no politics! It can come from other people, such as co-workers, acquaintances, or even a spouse or parent!
And Flying Monkeys can be found in a variety of places, such as the office, the night club, or your social networking profile.
I’m going to move away from the political example and move toward my own experiences.
ABOUT MY NARCISSISTS
I must say that it is truly enlightening to write about this subject with a head that is relatively clear. Depression can influence one’s thought process and writing, and I am happy to say that I am able to park that monster to the side.
For a quick summary, my two Narcissists were aggressive. The first one is who I call the Studio Scammer, because he got me to help him build a recording studio, and I invested my own gear, my own money, and 3 years of my time doing that. I got involved with him in late 2009.
The second Narcissist was an online “friend” whom I met on Facebook in late 2010. I call her the Cancer Scammer, because she lied to me about cancer, I believed her, and when the dust settled, I was out a great deal of money.
Both scammers took me for a grand total of just over $50,000. This next part will sound strange, but it’s true; the money loss was the easy part.
The HARD part was when the Flying Monkeys got introduced.
HOW THEY DID IT
What the Studio Scammer and Cancer Scammer did that was the same was simple. They went through my Facebook friends list and added all of my friends to their list. They’d then spend time striking up conversations and building up a rapport. This sometimes happened in plain sight.
I didn’t recognize it, because at the time I believed that I was helping one friend build a recording studio, and another friend with money for cancer treatments.
So if you see them getting all buddy-buddy with your friends, that’s a sign that you’re dealing with Narcissism.
THESE NARCS WERE MORE DANGEROUS THAN I THOUGHT
One behavior that makes a Narcissist dangerous is Triangulation. This is where the Narcissist brings a third party into the mix, most likely to distract from what they are actually doing.
I started helping the Cancer Scammer in mid-October 2013. By the end of November, Catherine and I were all-in, helping her with medical bills that we’d later learn never existed.
We also felt a close friendship with her. But we knew that the Studio Scammer was possessive and jealous. He might have even had some non-straight feelings about me, in looking back on how he talked and how he treated me. But I didn’t judge him for this.
So Catherine and I worried greatly about how we were going to tell the Studio Scammer that we had found a close friend in the Cancer Scammer.
We told him, and he seemed surprisingly accepting. He even got on a Skype video call with her, to let her know that he understood her plight, and that he wanted to help by throwing a fundraiser show.
When TWO Narcissists are talking like this, it’s more dangerous than you might think. While neither one ever talked about their true intentions, each one knew what they were doing and how they were using the other to get what they wanted. And in both cases, the other didn’t mind being used, especially if they saw it potentially causing more harm.
Effectively, what I experienced was a rare case of Double-Triangulation. I looked it up, and this term doesn’t even exist. But now you can imagine experiencing triangulation while under Narcissistic abuse from TWO different aggressive Malignant Narcissists.
There were other instances of Triangulation going on, but I’ll stick with this one example.
WHEN DOES THE DISCARD HAPPEN?
Shortly after the Studio Scammer [SS] had his video chat with the Cancer Scammer [CS], SS believed that he had lost my attention and money to CS. This wasn’t true in my mind, because I planned on helping her with her “treatment” while continuing to invest in the studio.
The thing witi Narcissists is that they want 100% all the time. No compromise, no sharing.
This was when he decided that it was time to execute the Discard Phase of the textbook Narcissist’s plan.
HOW THE DISCARD WENT DOWN
As I mentioned earlier, both Narcissists made it a point to add as many of my friends on Facebook as possible. Doing this and building charming rapport might appears as kindness coming from them. But it’s actually planning for the future.
SS had the video call with SC, and then decided it was time.
First, he set up the fundraiser show, as promised. But then he started changing details. He said his friend would headline, so we’d have to split the money. Then he said I needed to rent a U-Haul truck, I’d need to do this, do that. I told me I needed to find other acts, and he’d say that each audition packet sucked.
It got worse and worse. I told him that this was why I didn’t have the idea of a fundraiser show, because I can’t afford to invest ANYTHING because I was sending all I could to CS.
So he called me one day and told me a band was rehearsing in our studio, and that they didn’t like the drum set that I had in the main room. He asked me to bring another kit. I loaded up my Premier kit and drove over to set it up.
When it came time to remove the other kit, a Gretsch, he suddenly sounded panicked, and encouraged me to move it into the vocal booth, to protect it from moisture changes.
Once I had all of this done, I felt accomplished. Then he talked to me on the side of the house.
“You know, this studio is in MY name. Your name is not on ANYTHING. You never actually DID anything to help build this studio, except sweep the floor a few times.”
This is FAR from the truth, as I invested at least 50% of the costs of construction supplies. I was there EVERY DAY that construction was happening. I helped EVERY DAY. And my mistake was that I did it on a handshake, because I trusted him.
As he said this, I looked behind me. I replied, “Who are you trying to convince? We both were there. We both know that I put a lot of work into this.”
He then got aggressive and I had to run to get away from him. What I said above is basically the act of letting the Narcissist know that you are on to them.
He changed the locks, and then he took to Facebook. He sent private messages to key friend who would tell others. Then he posted that I was “in on it” with the Cancer Scammer, and that I was ripping off everyone on my friend’s list. He used my promotion of her GoFundMe page as supposed evidence of this.
THE FLYING MONKEYS ENGAGE
Much like the Trump example above, SS told my friends outrageous lies about me. He said horrible things as if they were true.
Of course, my friends thought about it, determined that they knew me WAY better than they knew him, called BS on him, and stood up for me.
JUST KIDDING! This is the logical thing that would happen; that a friend would hear something horrible from a stranger and then question it. But they did NOT question it. They knew that he and I were “best buddies” building a recording studio together. This implied a level of intimacy in a friendship.
So no, they did not dismiss him. Rather, they believed him automatically and did not question one single thing that he said.
My friends list wasn’t just regular friends. I also had co-workers on my list, and they spread the word so that I’d be unemployable in my industry.
One former co-worker wrote and asked how I’m doing. I said, “Oh, the usual. Doing fundraising for my sick friend and working long days.”
He replies, “You might want to start sucking some dick to get money, you fucking scammer.”
Another “friend” wrote to tell me that she stole a joke that I wrote and sold it to her famous comedian brother. She said she had to do it to save her house. I later figured out that she was trying to “teach” me that “stealing is wrong,” as if I didn’t know that. I wasn’t stealing, so this confused me.
I got lots of death threats, on Facebook, via text, and via email. I even got a few through the United States Postal Service, which makes it more of a terroristic threat.
This started from December 2013, and did not stop until the end of August 2014. The flow was constant and it never stopped.
WHAT I THINK ABOUT HIS FLYING MONKEYS
Clearly, they were never truly my friends in the first place. Actually, it was THIS very experience that lead me to find who my true friends were.
The Flying Monkeys were never truly my friends. The co-workers would sometimes call me late at night to work on things. Those who weren’t co-workers were my friends back when I worked at MySpace, when they had something to gain from it. They had personal website support from the inside.
When I wasn’t working there anymore, they kind of dropped off but would hang on in case they needed something. One called to borrow $300 for rent, and I gave it to him. I’d get calls for pick-up at LAX, as well as other rides. One needed a temporary place to stay and was at my place for 3 months. Another stayed over for 6 months.
These weren’t friends. These were people who saw that I was a dedicated friend who was easy. More about that later.
The worst of all was the one who said she stole one of my jokes and sold it to her famous comedian brother. I remembered when she got fired from her radio station show. She was an utter mess. She called me and cried on the phone for over an hour.
She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, so I told her we could talk that out. I was a real rescuer and fixer back then. I told her, “The future isn’t about big money, so much as loving what you do. What do you love?”
She told me that she loved dogs, so I encouraged her to start a business around dogs. Today, she is a dog trainer, and she had the nerve to “thank” me for being a caring human being by accusing me of being a thief and wanting to teach me a lesson.
WHAT I THINK OF MY REAL FRIENDS
I absolutely adore my real friends! They had some things to say after things burned down.
One told me that I had a “kind heart,” and that he probably would have done the same thing and sent help.
I got many other messages of support and encouragement. Another said that they felt that how the Flying Monkeys treated me was “unfair.” They also knew many of the Flying Monkeys and said, “I was never under any delusions that any of these people were actually my friends.”
My response was, “Well, by golly, I WAS under that delusion!”
One friend gave me $10 when I was asking for donations. He later told me, “I didn’t give that money to her. I gave it to YOU to use as you see fit.” He said this as he was rejecting my attempt to pay back the $10.
He also engaged in what is known as the Socratic Method, where he’d ask me questions. These were the kinds of questions where my answer to him wasn’t so important as my answer to me.
Another person did this, and she was my neighbor. Her name was Alice. When everything blew up, I went and talked to her. I told her the entire story about the Cancer Scammer, and how this lead to problems with SS, who was her landlord.
After hearing my story, she asked me, “Who made all of that YOUR problem?”
The answer to that Socratic question was simple. I made it MY problem. It was me. Nobody held a gun to my head. So far as I was concerned, a friend was in need, and I stepped up to the plate to help, because that’s what I do.
Or, at least, that is what I used to do.
A FOOT SOLDIER’S WORDS
There was ONE friend among the man who were Flying Monkeys. He was the one out of the group who never said anything bad to me, who never threatened me, or anything else that was negative or abusive.
“Foot Soldier” is not a proper term. It’s just the best way that I can describe him. He wasn’t mean to me at all, which made his words more powerful.
He replied to me in a way that I will never forget.
“When this whole thing blows up, and the dust settles, you will never help another human being again for the rest of your life.”
That sounded kind of dark. At the time, I rejected what he had said. Not completely, because in the back on my mind there was this nagging suspicion that, if what they were saying about CS was true, that I might undergo a transformation and become some kind of monster who would never help another person out.
He was mostly right.
WHAT TO DO TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM FLYING MONKEYS
For starters, here’s how to protect yourself from Flying Monkeys on websites like Facebook.
The simple answer is, “Hide your friends list!” Do NOT allow it to be public.
Also, “Don’t fill out your About Me section too much.” It’s a creepy thought, but the Cancer Scammer spent from December 2010 to October 2013 observing every single thing that I posted about on Facebook. She had these years to study me, learn about me, and ask some questions.
This gave her the information she needed for manipulation purposes. For example, she learned that I was an Atheist and that certain Christian behaviors upset me. And she used that to her advantage.
“When I ask my friends for donations to help me buy medication, they don’t donate at all. Instead they tell me that they’ll pray for me.”
I told her that prayers don’t pay medical bills, and that is what got me involved. It all started, not with her sexually seducing me, but with her getting me angry about Christian hypocrisy.
In the “real life” physical world, protecting yourself takes much more, and involves things like self-esteem, healthy boundaries, not caring what others think about you, and not taking the words of a Narcissist personally.
HOW TO FEND OFF FLYING MONKEYS
When this happened, I was flying by the seat of my pants. I had little in the way of information about this, and I was not in the mindset to be thinking about any of this at the time. In fact, I didn’t know that I had been dealing with Malignant Narcissists and Flying Monkeys until at least a few years after everything went bad.
The big thing that you need to do in order to survive is cling tightly to reality! Lots of the Flying Monkeys I encountered to me that I was a criminal, a thief, a liar, a scammer, a piece of filth, garbage, and other things.
The sick thing of it all is that I began to believe them over time.
Gaslighting is a practice where people will tell you things to get you to question your own perception of reality. It eventually leads to madness.
For me, I lost myself, who I was, and what I was. I didn’t trust my own perception of reality, I didn’t trust anyone else, and was afraid to go outdoors. I was truly damaged. As I write this in December 2021, I recognize that it was a long road to recovery from July 2014 to now.
Over SEVEN YEARS is what it took for me to be in a healthy place.
Another thing that helps is talking to real friends who are rooted in reality. A few people close to me who care about me set me up with a new friend at the guitar store. We’d go guitar shopping, from Ventura to Hollywood, driving over 100 miles to stop at all of the good guitar shops to see what they had.
I was and am also fortunate to have a few good friend who are reading this now. I’d write or call with them, and would feel a little bit better about the world after that. They stayed rooted while I went off the rails, and they didn’t judge me or run away. I am forever grateful to them.
It is also important to disengage the Narcissist and Flying Monkeys. I had a back-and-forth with SS for about a week. After that, I disengaged with him ANd every Flying Monkey who had gone after me. I did lots of blocking.
I blocked them, which removed them from my friends list. I made my posts for “friends only.” Eventually, when things blew up in July 2014, I deleted all social networking and stayed away for five years.
The next thing I’d recommend is getting involved in some type of therapy. I am fortunate to have a phenomenal therapist. Along these lines, I had two separate doctors who saw my Major Depressive Disorder and who prescribed medications. They worked with me, and ultimately made returning to regular life something that I could do.
It is also important to stop giving the benefit of the doubt or second chances. I don’t care who it is. In keeping with the topic of Flying Monkeys, ANYONE who was ever a Flying Monkey who caused me harm WILL NEVER, EVER get a second chance, or any help or sympathy from me, ever again.
They weren’t friends. They used me and then treated me like crap after believing the words of a complete stranger without asking me anything about it. They just automatically assumed the worst in me, and I think it only fair of me to return the favor.
The difference, of course, is that I KNOW based on experience that they are horrific monsters. And if they knew me, then they would have questioned what SS was saying during his Discard phase, they would have asked me why he would say such a thing, and they would have stood by me.
Real friends did that. Flying Monkeys did not.
HOW ALL OF THIS CHANGED ME
This circles back to the “Foot Solider” who told me that I’d never help another person again after things blow up. When he said this, the idea that I would ever stop helping people was disgusting to me.
Since that happened, I’ve learned a great deal about myself. This includes the fact that I am Level 1 Autistic, which I was diagnosed with in late 2017.
As it turns out, people like me are very easy to exploit because of our good-hearted nature. This means that I have to protect myself.
I will still help people. However, I won’t help just anyone. A person I’ve known casually, as was the case with the Cancer Scammer, who asks me for help with their cancer fundraiser MIGHT get $40 out of me, along with some words of encouragement. Best of luck.
That’s how things started with the Cancer Scammer, oddly enough, and that is where it should have ended for me.
Who made it MY problem? I did, and I must acknowledge my role in this mess in order to recover properly and also to learn how to protect myself from future situations.
I’m not so trusting. I’m not so eager to be friends. I’m not one to be rescuing or fixing or pleasing anymore. I really need to look after myself and those in my immediate circle before anyone else. And if I have nothing left to give, then I won’t feel badly about it and I will be honest about it.
This is the best approach to avoid exploitation, especially in current America culture, where there is lots of exploitation going on right now, as well as gaslighting.
I TRIPPED AND STUMBLED IN 2019
In mid-2019, I went to open a Facebook account. I must have used the same email address for the old account, because they forced me to reopen a Facebook account that I had deleted FIVE years prior.
So when they say that your profile will be deleted after 30 days, they are lying.
Shortly after I reopened this account, I learned that the Cancer Scammer had died, almost at the same day of my return, at the age of 40. No cause was listed, so it was either suicide or a drug overdose. If it were the latter, then it is ironic to consider that the money she scammed out of me lead to her death. At the very least, it kept her on the path to destruction.
I tried to be active on Facebook, and attempted to interact with others. But I wasn’t quite out of the psychological woods yet. This lead me to post things and then later delete them because I was self-conscious that someone might misunderstand, take it the wrong way, and attack me.
Sometimes that happened, and I won’t get deep into that issue. I’d post something, they’d challenge me [even if it was a personal experience], and I’d end up realizing they’re not my friends anymore before blocking them.
I tripped and stumbled when I ran into an old girlfriend from 1982. She saw how easy I was and manipulated the entire situation. She saw that I was not in a healthy romantic relationship, and played that hand very well.
Meanwhile, in acknowledgement of my own hand in all of this, my Major Depressive Disorder was out of control, and I saw getting back together with her as a path to fixing everything.
From there, she took $5,000 out of her ex-husband’s bank account and bought a one-way ticket to Oregon from Indiana. She played innocent as if she “thought” that she bought round-trip, but wasn’t certain. She then moved herself in and filed for divorce from her husband.
Pro-Tip: Nobody falls in love faster than a Narcissist who needs a place to live.
Her fifth husband. Big red flag. Almost as big as the red flag from 1982, when her father tried to kill me with a wrench.
She claimed that EVERY man in her life abused and raped her. Her father, brothers, and all of her four husbands. And the one whom she said was most abusive was the one she married twice.
Big, big mega red flags.
She kept the entire situation under control, and would do little things for me to keep me thinking that she cared.
But when her divorce was finalized, she conveniently went “crazy.” This involved dialing 911 on two separate occasions to tell the police that I had done some horrible things to her.
What kept me out of jail was the fact that she kept changing her story, as well as the fact that I had a character witness of 20+ years living with us. Yes, even though I’d broken up with Catherine, she moved back in with us in August 2020 on a temporary basis.
This woman had also added a good number of my Facebook friends and was interacting with them and getting known. This was before I had learned what I know now.
After she walked out, and fortunately never came back, I’d start getting some mild inquiries from her flying monkeys. One was an older woman in town who runs an antique store. The other was my cousin on my dad’s side. She and my cousin have been best friends for decades.
They both said almost the exact same thing. “She told us that you were abusive… so, I have to ask, WERE YOU?”
I could see that coming from a stranger, like the old woman in the antique store. But my own cousin?
If you ask if it happened, then you’re suggesting that it did happen. I told them it did not happen, and then I left them immediately.
And remember, this is Triangulation, having a third party enter the conversation. If more than two people had done this, it could have lead to gaslighting, and I might have started to believe that I had done something.
This experience told me that I was nowhere close to being done with my work, and that I should not be pursuing ANY romantic relationships, or even new friendships, until I deal with what I have that is still broken.
The experience got me to realize that I had NOT healed fully before getting back online. I realized that Facebook was toxic and people who were using it were looking for drama. Being in an unhealthy place myself, Facebook was nowhere to be.
Worst [and best] of all, it showed that I am still susceptible to Narcissistic exploitation.
As for this “girlfriend,” things went way too fast. We were talking about marriage, and that’s a stupid thing to do. I saw it as a case of us picking up where we left off, which can’t be true because people change. She guided everything we did, took over every room of the apartment, never let me have any alone time, and more.
I had so little alone time that I wrote almost nothing during that time in 2020. I have NO journal entries in 2020 during the time that she was here. I had no space at all.
It wasn’t healthy.
And Catherine was a good friend at the time, who kept the gaslighting at bay. Remaining rooted in reality is difficult in those situations. Really, Catherine owed me NOTHING, and she still helped me after I contributed to a major screw-up.
Due to the nature of the situation and our breakup, Catherine and I did NOT just get back to things the way they were before we split. Before the split, things weren’t all that good, thanks to my depression and the overall relationship disconnect that had been slowly happening over the years since the double Narcissist incidents.
Rather, we’re working individually on our own issues, and this work will help both of us get into a place where we can develop a health relationship with ourselves, before attempting a relationship with others.
If there’s not a healthy ME, then there can’t be a health WE.
So we are dear friends today. I’ve lived with her longer than any other person in my entire life including my own parents. While we weren’t a good romantic couple, we are most definitely healthy friends.
When you experience something like this, it is one thing to recognize what others are doing. The things she did were just as wrong as any other person who has done these things to anyone else.
But what about ME? What was MY contribution?
I wrote off red flags. Every red flag that presented itself was viewed by me as a roadblock that would keep me from getting what I wanted and needed [or so I thought], which was being with her.
Hindsight allows for viewing of those red flags. Without getting into detail, some of them were rather shocking. I was disappointed in myself for allowing those red flags to pass without addressing them.
I wanted her to be with me that much. I made the relationship primary, and put her second. I was dead last in the hierarchy of importance.
I wasn’t important to me. That’s a big problem.
WHERE THINGS ARE NOW
It has been almost two years since she moved out here, and almost 14 months since she walked away. These past 14 months have been highly productive with regard to therapy and self-improvement.
Therapy, proper medications, daily work, reading, learning, and improving are all things that have made a difference in my life and how I perceive the world outside me.
Doing things like building strong boundaries, building up self-esteem, learning how to not take things personally, learning how not to care so much or more than is warranted, and learning how to love and care for myself have helped me rise above the pit that I’ve been either deep into or circling the rim for a very long time.
The concept of self-preservation is something that was previously foreign to me, since I was lacking the boundaries and self-esteem to have such a philosophy.
Overall, I’m in a relatively healthy place in my life right now, and things are always getting better.
My self-worth is improving, which kills off codependency and trauma bonding.
Recognizing that the problems of others are, in most cases, theirs is a real shift of burden. I don’t need to fix or rescue the world.
In the realm of problems, I remind myself that NONE of these Narcissists ever cared ONE TIME about me, my challenges, or any problems that I faced. Meanwhile, I had put myself on the backburner as I did for them. This is something that I will NEVER do again, and there is a BIG difference between this and helping a close friend.
NARCISSISM, SELF-LOVE, AND THE DIFFERENCE
I used to believe that self-love was a form of Narcissism, and that it’s actually BAD to love yourself.
We have this weird vision of Narcissists, where they look in a mirror and kiss it. That’s reductive and childish. It also promotes the idea that they love themselves.
The hard truth is that Narcissists DO NOT love themselves. In fact, they actively hate themselves. Narcissists end up in this situation due to early childhood abuse, most likely from a Narcissistic parent. Imagine, for example, the mother who would rather do for herself than tend to her crying baby.
That crying baby turns into a monster. They hate themselves. Their egos are HIGHLY fragile. As a result, they will do ANYTHING to avoid any pain or exposure.
The Narcissist is incapable of loving themselves.
A person who engages in Self-Love, conversely, does care about themselves. This doesn’t make them a Narcissist, for they do not forsake others, like friends, loved ones, or even co-workers.
The Narcissist views others as THINGS that they can use to their advantage, and then throw in the trash when they are done. It’s as if they are incapable of love.
If you are worried that you might be a Narcissist, then chances are good that you are not one. It’s like worrying that you’re stupid, in that stupid people don’t worry that they’re stupid because they’re too stupid to acknowledge their own stupidity. Narcissists are seemingly unaware, although more than likely they just don’t care.
Sympathy, empathy, and basic Humanity are attributes that can be found in those who love themselves, in healthy amounts. When I did not love myself, I appeared to have those attributes, but I was just putting them ahead of me, as I always did.
I was broken in my own way. That is changing.
Remember to love yourself. There is nothing wrong with that.
IN THE END
The path of sickness would be sticking with things as they were, especially from 2009 to 2020.
The path of wellness is what I’ve found in 2021. This involves self-care, self-work, self-insight, self-awareness, and self-love. Lots of SELF in there, because although the Narcissists clearly have their problems that make them dangerous, it is essential to my recovery and improvement that I also focus on my problems, how they contributed, and how I can fix these problems.
I can’t fix the Narcissist, or anyone else. I’ve struggled for long enough to fix myself.
Healthy boundaries are essential.
I’ve also been adjusting my drive to help others, or to care for others. That is to say, NOBODY waltzes through the door and gets things from me quickly. I have friends reading this, and I’ve known them since the 90s. They’ve been consistent. There are a few other people who I’ve known or reconnected with, who have proven who they are inside.
Those people get my ear. They get my attention. I will listen to them. I might even help them, if there is a way that I can.
But someone who found me a month ago on Facebook? Nah, I won’t make any of that my problem.
Remember the great philosopher, Alice the Neighbor, who said, “Who made that YOUR problem?” And then, I remember that I was the one who made it my problem.
I was the guy who opened the window to let Dracula indoors. I attracted the Narcissists with my previous behaviors, driven by undiagnosed Autism. I handed the Narcissists the stick, showed them where to beat me, and how to swing the stick for maximum results.
My participation in my own bad situation was big. This does nothing to relieve the Narcissists of responsibility for their own actions and the suffering they caused.
I can’t change the Narcissist. But I can change myself. The past 14 months have been about ME and my recovery, and there is nothing wrong with that. There is NOTHING wrong about loving yourself, taking care of yourself, respecting yourself with healthy boundaries, or any of the other positive things that have been part of my recovery.
I am on my way to having myself fixed. After that, I can spend time maintaining my healthy attitude about myself, about friends, and about life. I recognize that this isn’t something that will have a “done” date. It’s like learning, or like life itself. It isn’t clean or clear-cut, and it doesn’t ever end until death.
Maybe Catherine and I will both get healthy and decide to become a couple [she does her own therapy work]. Maybe we’ll get healthy and decide to be alone. Maybe we’ll get healthy and decide to meet someone new. Or maybe we’ll get healthy and remain respectful roommates and dear friends.
We don’t know what will happen. Regardless of how that pans out, we’ll end up as healthy INDIVIDUALS and land on a path that is relatively healthy and good for everyone involved.
If you don’t love yourself, then you are not really capable of sharing love with someone else.
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