I watched Dr. Ramani’s video about 11 Tactics for Not Allowing Narcissists Into Your Life in the First Place, and shared the video in the link. These are issues that she lists off as “gatekeeper” boundaries to set for additional safety and protection from Narcissists.
She mentioned one thing that struck a particular tone with me, and I wanted to write about that here.
What I am posting below is three tales of Future Faking, so that you can see what this behavior looks like.
WHAT IS FUTURE FAKING?
Future Faking is where the Narcissist hypes up a big future, while simultaneously dropping the ball in the current now.
Basically, the Narcissist sells you big, empty promises for the future, while not really delivering much of value in the present.
These are my three stories, giving mention to Narcissists from my recent past.
NARCISSIST 1 of 3: Studio Scammer [SS]
The Studio Scammer, or SS for short, was a guy who answered one of my CraigsList ads, where I was looking for paying gigs. He hired me to fill in for a drummer who he said had drug problems. This would later be proven false.
I had told him about the time when a producer in Hollywood told me that I was “too old to keep playing.” He was encouraging me to become a studio assistant and learn product, to step aside and let the kids have the spotlight for a change.
I should note that this guy played a gig ten years later, and he’s at least 8 years older than me.
SS took this to heart and used it against me.
He said that he wanted me to be a partner with him in building a recording studio, which would be a garage conversion on his property.
He talked about the future, which included retirement, where we might sell everything and then build a floating studio on a lake, similar but not as extravagant as The Astoria, where David Gilmour records all of the Pink Floyd and DG songs.
This was a VERY emotional topic for me, and it drew me in with all of my heart and effort.
Once he felt that he had lost control of my attention and finances, he entered the Discard phase and released the Flying Monkeys. If you don’t know about that, then you can read about it HERE.
The Future Fake was the idea that we would be co-producer and co-owners of a self-built recording studio.
NARCISSIST 2 of 3: Cancer Scammer [CS]
Things with the Cancer Scammer started out as me wanting to help a friend who was in need. Over time, it morphed into other things.
This woman was slick. She got both me and my girlfriend at the time, Catherine, involved in helping her raise funds for her cancer treatments.
To be clear, these treatments did not exist, and she did not have cancer.
But she had Narcissistic game. As part of her Love-Bombing campaign, she would refer to us as her saviors or soulmates.
If you don’t know, every Narcissistic relationship has three clear phases: 1. Love-Bombing, 2. Devaluing, and 3. Discarding.
She first got us emotionally compromised about her situation. We used to cry at night because we were afraid that she was going to die from cancer. Once she had achieved this, she played a game where she faked a future that had the three of us living together and working together.
Catherine and I both suffered from low self-esteem, as well as the need to please and rescue others. This is not the case now, but it was at the time.
Once she had us romantically involved, she started her Devalue phase. This involved her changing her attitude, changing her friends, and changing how she treated us.
For example, we used to have long phone conversations on my drive to work. Those calls stopped in the Devalue phase. I asked why and she said, “That was then, back when we didn’t know each other. Now that we know eachother better, there really isn’t all that much to talk about.
She also engaged in Triangulation and Gaslighting, telling me that I was jealous of Catherine because she was giving her more attention than she was giving me. She then said that my jealousy was ripping us apart, and it would be MY fault if we all didn’t work out.
She said that if I didn’t get therapy, it would be a deal breaker. So I went to a therapist and told her about how my jealousy was destroying my relationship with these two women.
Of course, when things blew up and I realized that she was scamming me, the therapist accused me of “lying” to her about the relationship. Her accusations suggested that I made the whole thing up. Yes, the entire situation was one big lie, set forth by the Narcissist and bought by both Catherine and me. But I didn’t make up the lie to mess with the therapist.
Therapists who do this are not good therapists.
And the big Discard came when I confronted her about something, and she replied with, “Fuck off.”
Yea, we weren’t let down gently.
The Future Fake was her promise that we’d all be close when she got better.
A WORD ABOUT WHY I AM WRITING THIS
I am doing my best to NOT put names in these posts. Some of you reading, who were friends in real-time during all of this, already know the names of these individuals. You may have even interacted with them.
Still, others have no idea who these people are. My point in writing all of this is NOT to attack them or to try to shame them. And I DO NOT want them back into my life.
The purpose is to share what happened, why it’s bad, what mistakes I made, and hopefully either save someone from experiencing this in the first place, OR give hope to someone who has already been through this brutal ringer.
I doubt that I need to say this, but I don’t want anyone looking them up or attacking them. That’s not revenge; rather, that’s playing their game.
Revenge comes from a life well lived that does not include them.
NARCISSIST 3 of 3: Retro Romance [RR]
This was a case of an ex-girlfriend from 1982, and us getting reconnected on Facebook.
There was a high level of romance, and some talk of “soulmates.” She also moved really fast. These are both big warnings.
She bought a one-way ticket instead of round trip and moved herself in. Given the situation, I worked to deal with this sudden push. The way the situation was presented, her future ex-husband was dangerous, and she would be in harm’s way if she went back.
This created a situation where I felt there was no choice.
She talked about marriage VERY quickly. I was all for it.
At the time, my Major Depressive Disorder did get in the way of clear decision making. I saw my “relationship” with her as being what would rectify my depressive state. I was VERY wrong with this. I would learn this the hard way, as I felt fine when she was around at first, but near the end it was nothing but fear, panic, stress, and an ultimate deeper sinking into the depression.
The Future Fake was her attitude about picking up where we left off and getting married. And I joined in on that attitude, instead of standing up and doing what was right.
Standing up for yourself is not possible with MDD and self-loathing. These things are under control as I write this, but I was an utter mess when I reconnected with her.
WHY THESE STORIES?
Anyone who has been reading for a while might stop and ask, “Why is he telling the same stories about the same people over and over again?”
These anecdotes are highly complex, so there are many moving parts involved. I can tell the story from the perspective of an Autistic person, or from the perspective of Narcissism, or other vantage points. In this case, I am writing about these stories with a focus on Future Faking.
To cover these three stories in a comprehensive manner would take years and years of writing, as well as proofreading, editing, and other revisions.
So I cover the vantage points as they come to mind, or as I have a breakthrough. Breakthroughs most definitely inspire me to write.
IN THE END
These situations and the people involved are all in the past. To a great degree, I feel as if I have been able to move on.
I do not care about the Narcissists, where they are now, or what they are doing. I don’t want anything from them.
In fact, I am feeling a great sense of indifference about them.
The Studio Scammer could be doing anything right now, and I’d have no idea. The Cancer Scammer died in April 2019, and when I heard that news I felt relieved. And the Retro Romance woman walked out 13-14 months ago, I have heard nothing from her, and I don’t care where she is or what she’s doing.
Narcissists want people to care about them, so in some way writing about these situations might give them Narcissistic Supply. But so far as I know, they don’t read what I write. That would be caring about someone else.
All the same, this might very well be my final entry about these specific Narcissists. They did their damage, they got what they wanted, and they are gone. Meanwhile, I am making great progress in my healing.
I write from the perspective of healing and growing. I write to share my story, as it might help others. It is certainly cathartic to write this stuff down, and get it out of my head.
How do I know that I’m healing and making progress?
It has to do with my attitude and my emotional state. My emotions are regulated very well, far better than in the past. My depression is something that I can set aside. I can still feel sadness, but I don’t feel depression.
Depression is an absence of sadness.
I no longer ruminate, and couldn’t do it if I had to do it right now.
The people who caused me harm in the past are no longer relevant. The same is true of “friends” from the past who don’t keep in touch.
I’ve let all of these people and their situations GO. They are doing their thing. I’m a part of their past, as they are of mine, and the present is what is important.
On top of not ruminating about the past, I am also not anxious about the future. I no longer catastrophise.
These are just some of the ways that I can tell that the work I am doing is having results, and that healing is taking place.
So in the future, I won’t be writing about these people anymore. I’ve said what I have to say about the situations that I had to endure with them, and now I am completely finished with them.
Sure, they caused some damage. It took a while, but I’m still standing.
It has felt good to write about this and to get it off my chest. Now it feels good to be DONE with those Narcissists from the past who did what they did. They are sad, pathetic, and broken people who don’t take responsibility for their own mental health.
I take responsibility for mine. As I see it getting better, I feel even more motivated to work toward the next level of enlightenment.
I am already at a place where I know that I can sense or deal with a Narcissist today, should I encounter one. But once I reach that next level, my boundaries will be impenetrable.
Because I don’t have to stay in the place where I was, when I was unaware of my Autism and had no idea how and why I was attracting Narcissists and other toxic people who wish to exploit and destroy others. I don’t have to be helpless as I watch the world “happen” to me.
I don’t need to be victimized anymore to finally learn. I’ve walked that road enough, and it’s lame. I will not be victimized again, because I have a new bodyguard, and that bodyguard is ME.
I have to care about me before I can be involved with anyone else.
After I click “Publish,” I will be thinking about how I can write about things in the future without referencing anyone from the past. I might even be thinking about other topics to write about.
Thank you for reading, and I hope that you can enjoy the holiday season a bit.
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