Relationships and Moving Too Fast

INTRODUCTION
I think that everyone has heard the phrase “moving too fast” when talking about relationships. Typically, this is within the context of romantic relationships, with regard to sexual activity.

This is a distraction.

Having sex with someone before you know them is very risky. You don’t know what’s going on with them, and they don’t know you well enough to give a shit about whether or not they infect you with anything, so long as they get what they want. That’s a legitimate concern.

But for today, I’m talking about that thing I do so well: Talking.


BEING AN OPEN BOOK
Before I got my Level 1 Autism diagnosis, I had no idea that I was moving too fast with regard to talking to people who were either friends or romantic interests. Effectively, I was an open book.

This was because I was giving trust to them way too quickly. PS: I know this was a weakness of mine, which is why this and any other issue noted is included here. I refuse to get into any potential current vulnerabilities.


PROJECTING MYSELF
Projecting myself means that I would take my own feelings about the world and then assume the rest of the world felt that way.

01 Nov 1995, New York City, New York, United States — Crocodile hunter Steve Irwin and alligator “Irvine” pose together at the Central Park boathouse. — Image by © Najlah Feanny/Corbis

For example, I would never consider lying to a friend or harming them. From this, I falsely concluded that the other person wouldn’t cause me harm because they also valued friendships or relationships.

This was before I learned about Narcissist, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths, or why they were so dangerous.


WHY ARE THEY SO DANGEROUS?
They don’t possess normal human capacity for emotions. They have no sympathy, empathy, or Humanity.

They also do not view other people as humans who have feelings. Rather, they view other people as things that are there for them to use to their advantage, and then toss away in the trash when they are done.

Don’t take any of it from me. Here’s a chilling interview with a diagnosed Sociopath.

The face of terror can look like a regular college student. This particular Sociopath has a self-awareness about it, and at times talks about it as if it’s a compulsion that he cannot help or control. So he keeps to himself to try to protect potential future victims.
I do not find this to be any less terrifying.

What they do is pay attention at first. They are listening to what you say, and they ‘ll encourage you to say more. You might think they’re lending a friendly ear. But in reality, they’re listening for information that you will give them for later.

This information is something they can use against your or exploit in other ways in the future.

Your hopes and dreams are one thing they can use, but they can also use your fears, concerns, and weaknesses to their advantage.

If they know where you work, they can use that against you.

If they know your significant other, they can use that against you.

If they have access to your friends list, they can use that against you.

ANYTHING and EVERYTHING they can get from you in the way of information is something they can and will use against you later, when it is convenient for them.

This should make you really think about and reconsider your activity on social networking, as well as who you allow to access this information.


A LIFETIME OF MISTAKES
I’ve made the mistake of opening up too quickly with people who are “friends” or otherwise connected to me, because I just didn’t see how any of it could be used against me, or what would happen.

When things did eventually go wrong, I would attribute it to an issue with that specific person. I did not yet know about Narcissist and others with anti-social afflictions that encouraged and guided them to be destructive, terrifying monsters.


MY LAST MISTAKE
This was with a woman whom I had dated back in 1982. We got together again at the end of 2019, just before the pandemic.

Oddly enough, it was opening up about bad situations that I had experienced in the past that ended up being used against me. This person listened to me, and later recreated my horrors from the past, note-for-note. I even noticed and called her out on it.

NEVER call out a Narcissist, especially when they live with you. Learn about those dangers from Dr. Ramani.

Of course, Dr. Ramani also has advice on what to do instead of calling them out. She’s got an entire back-catalog of videos about Narcissists and dealing with Narcissism. Her videos moving forward in 2022 will be about recovery and healing.


A WORD ABOUT MIRRORING
In my last relationship with a Narcissist, another big mistake that I made was to tell her a great deal about me.

For example, I told her that I was still a musician and a songwriter. She replies, “I’m a songwriter, too!” Then she gave me some bad poetry that really wouldn’t even pass as that.

Later on, I told her about my Autism diagnosis. Her response to that was to get on Facebook and tell everyone that she was Autistic.

The last straw with this was when I told her about a strange time in my life when I did open mic stand-up comedy. She replied, “I do stand-up comedy, too. See how much we have in common?”

When I heard that, a wave of terror washed over me. In a panic, I called her out.

“Why are you copying me in every single way? You are NOT a songwriter. Where are your songs? You are NOT Autistic! Where is your diagnosis! And you are NOT a stand-up comedian. Where are your three minutes? Stop being what I am!”

That last statement really said it all. She had mirrored me to the point that after she left, I realized that I knew almost nothing about her.


WHY NARCISSISTS ENGAGE IN MIRRORING
There are at least three main reasons why a Narcissist will engage in this mimicry. The first one is that they simply have no stable identity of their own. In acquiring YOUR identity, they try it on for size.

The second reason why they engage in mirroring is to win you over quickly.

Finally, since the Narcissist lacks the skills to make a genuine connection, and have no real desire to make a genuine connection, mirroring gives them an avenue for faking intimacy.

Overall, mirroring is a quick and easy way for the Narcissist to gain your trust.

This explains why she was married five different times.


THE BENEFITS OF MOVING SLOWLY
The bottom line is that a person can tell you anything about themselves early on. In the case of toxic and destructive entities like Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths, they start out as very good listeners, because they are taking in the information and figuring out what will be important to them later.

Narcissists have a “tell” in their facial expressions. This expression is known as “duping delight,” which occurs when they believe that they’ve gotten away with something. Narcissists make strange faces. More about that later.

What a person like this cannot do on their own is sustain a lie for an extended period of time. When they have Flying Monkeys to sustain a lie on their behalf, it gives them space to build upon the lie, or to work on new lies.

But I digress.

When you are dealing one-on-one with an individual, it’s a different story.

The best mode of operation is to share information slowly, and start out with light topics. Talk about the music or movies that you like. Just avoid things like things that went wrong in past relationships.


A NARCISSIST’S TELL AND BEHAVIORS
As I noted in the graphic above, Narcissists have a “tell” in their facial expressions. One of those tells is called “duping delight.” This is when the Narcissist believes that they’ve gotten away with it when they’ve told a lie.

Photographs do it no justice, so here’s a video example. This is Diane Downs, after she had shot her three children. In this video, she describes a horrific scene and fails miserably at imitating human emotions. She is very cold and unfeeling as she talks about her bloody, dying children. Then, at the end, you get the Duping Delight.

THIS WILL GIVE YOU NIGHTMARES FOR WEEKS.

As you can see in the above clip, she fails at expressing human emotions. It reminds me of a movie [I cannot recall the name], where a Psychopathic woman witnesses a child get hit and killed by a car. She sees the mother holding her dying daughter in her arms, crying.

She stands there, watching and taking mental notes. Then she goes home, looks into the mirror, and starts practicing the expressions.

It is not hype when I say that these people are incapable of many normal human emotions. They have no sympathy, empathy, or Humanity. But beware, because they do have anger and are very vengeful.

Do not rely on Duping Delight to tell you what is going on. The Narcissist [and I’ll use this label moving forward for Narcissists, Psychopaths, and Sociopaths] also struggle to express other human emotions.

This time, I ‘ll utilize Donald Trump as an example, and share a post that explains why he makes all of those weird mouth shapes and faces when he talks.

It was important for Donald Trump to TELL his followers that he had a really high IQ, because NOBODY would ever guess it based on what he says or does, or by his very limited and broken vocabulary. This is why he had to say that he “has the best words.”

This is not to slam Trump, although it may be doing that as a secondary effect. My main reason for utilizing him in this entry is because most people are familiar with him, how he talks, how he looks, how he moves, and other things about him. Plus, there are thousands of hours worth of video that you can access, where you can see his broken thought processes, and an inability to form coherent sentences.

With my latest Narcissistic encounter, there were times when this person seemed hollow inside. I even once noted verbally that the way she moved was “as if a teenaged boy took over an older woman’s body and didn’t know how to work it properly.”

I have video of this, but will not be posting it. The point is not to attack or denigrate this unnamed person, but rather to highlight items or issues that can help identify a Narcissist or other dangerous people that you may encounter.


IN THE END
As you can guess, one solution can be found in the opposite of the title of this entry. Moving too fast is something that people like me do. A person who is Autistic may feel motivated to express, explain, and talk up a storm about things that may be of interest when another person is asking to hear about it.

Show discretion. Keep things light. Even if this person seems like they are cool and might make a good friend, or if you’re drawn to them on a romantic level and want to proceed more quickly, remember that they are a complete stranger.

Even in the case of an ex-girlfriend from 1982, I’d not talked to her since then, not until late 2019. In this case, I had built up a false sense of familiarity. The hard truth is that I did not know her at all.

Even worse, after living together for 9-10 months, I still know almost nothing about her. This is because she did not tell me anything about herself, and instead listened to me and then mirrored me note-for-note.

And this was after being in therapy for years, since my 2014 incident with two Narcissists at once. I thought that I was healed enough to get into the world and try again, but I was wrong on that count.

So far as this is concerned, if you have a therapist and also have concerned about being ready to re-enter the world, then ask the therapist if they believe that you are ready. Tell them about your concerns. They should understand your concerns based on what is talked about in therapy.

There are other signs to watch for, so this entry is by no means comprehensive. Also remember that I am not a psychiatrist or mental health professional, and instead I am a survivor of Narcissistic abuse.

That’s right. I am a survivor! I refuse to be a victim as a result of these situations. Yes, they caused damage and it resulted in pain.

Healing makes you a survivor. How do you know that you’re healing?

It’s when you no longer wonder what went wrong. You no longer blame yourself. You no longer fear that they might return, or even worse, wonder what they’re doing and end up pining for them to return. It’s when you no longer miss them and have moved on. It’s when you don’t search and seek them out online, or try to be sneaky about where the are now, what they’re doing, and with whom they are doing it.

Essentially, not caring.

As I write this, I feel my sense of self. I am whole. There is no fear, no hatred, no sense of wanting revenge. Instead, I have the very peaceful feeling of NOT CARING.

Not caring is the biggest sign that you are healing and have moved on.

Finally, do NOT take my word for any of this. I am not a mental health professional, but rather someone who has been through lots of therapy, as well as experiences that landed me there, and I have done a great deal of healing.

My contribution to society involves letting people know that these types of people exist in our society, that they are out there, and that they will destroy your life if you are not careful. And when they destroy your life, they won’t care one bit, and will throw you in the trash.

They are pretending to like you. They are pretending to love you. They are pretending to have human feelings.

Be careful out there. And remember to TAKE YOUR TIME. A little bit of caution goes a very long way.


If you like what I write, then please consider sending a one-time donation to me via PayPal. Please use the following link and click SEND to donate, and thank you for reading! https://paypal.me/drumwild

Published by DrumWild

Writing about drums, music, and philosophy.

2 thoughts on “Relationships and Moving Too Fast

  1. Not Caring is my jam! Well done and an enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing that!

    (Also, not just saying that because it’s your jam too. That would be scary.)

    Tom

    Liked by 2 people

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