A Big Sign of Healing

This entry isn’t going to have sections, and it could be brief.

After sitting down to write, I remembered that I had some draft writings saved. So I went to check those out, and there were FOUR recently written drafts. They were very long and included some anecdotes to serve as warnings of situations where Narcissistic abuse could potentially occur.

The majority of it was based on personal experience.

As I started reading through the drafts to see what I could do about getting them in a place where they are ready to be posted online, I began to feel this foreign sensation. It was very unfamiliar, yet positive and non-threatening.

I started to realize that I no longer care.

Don’t get me wrong. I care about the topic. Much of what I wrote involved describing the Narcissists and the things they did.

What do I no longer care about? The Narcissists themselves and the things they did to me.

There are various things that happen in the healing process. Because when the abuse first happens, and the damage is done, you go through a good deal of things.

The issues one experiences can include things like self-doubt, where you are convinced that you are not capable of avoiding Narcissists.

There is also the fear that they might return to “Hoover” you back into their lives. This happens VERY often with Narcissistic abuse. In my case, one of the Narcissists is dead. But the other two are of no concern to me.

But wait! There’s more!

Your self-esteem gets knocked into the dirt. Mine was hovering slightly above the dirt at the time, so that wasn’t an impressive feat on their part.

Those are the big ones.

I realized that I am not afraid of them any longer. They have no power over me, and never will again. My self-esteem has been greatly improved, as is evidenced in my attitude and activity.

I’m also not afraid of meeting new people. This is because I trust my boundaries, and made a vow to myself to respect my own boundaries.

The big thing, which is so hard to describe, is that I don’t feel that general darkness hovering over my head. This was the kind of thing that fed my depression, generated irritability, and caused me to not be capable of much.

I don’t care about the Narcissists anymore. I don’t think of them. I don’t dwell. Most importantly, I do not ruminate. Rumination was a major issue for me, and I thank my medication for that. 300mg Bupropion, generic for Wellbutrin.

The reason I mention my meds is that maybe it will encourage others to give them a try.

My concern with taking these meds was that I didn’t want a “happy pill” to make me cheerful while the world is burning down. I don’t want to be in a delusional mindset.

That’s not how it works for me. I can still be sad and feel sadness, as well as other emotions. I can also get into a happy or positive space, which was previously prohibited by my Major Depressive Disorder [MDD].

Having access to a ray of sunshine helps. I can still acknowledge the bad things that are happening, the negative things, or those things that need my attention. No Pollyanna feelings are bouncing around.

The problem was that the dark, the bad, and the negative were getting way too much stage time in my head. They were reinforced in a horrible way.

Negative experiences get stored in the back of the brain’s right hemisphere. They are saved in video format, for lack of a better term. Conversely, positive experiences are stored in the front of the brain’s left hemisphere, and are saved in text format.

A visual representation is always more powerful than a written presentation.

The reason why negative memories are much more powerful is that it’s part of a survival strategy. With regard to survival, remembering that time when I almost got eaten by a Sabre-toothed tiger is by far more valuable than the time we got together for a birthday party.

The upside is that it helps us survive. But the downside is that it can and does generate trauma, and we don’t know how to process that. Until recently, people suffered trauma and just lived with it, until they no longer could. It’s tragic.

Circling back to Narcissistic abuse, most certainly I do need to remember the painful lessons learned. However, I do not need to relive this trauma over and over again in order to survive.

What I do need as part of my survival repertoire, based on life experience, is to make note of the traumatic events, identify what makes it traumatic, figure out what works to help prevent the trauma, implement that, and trust it.

And remember why it’s there. Boundaries are there to protect us. My boundaries are relatively new. Imagine an Autistic man with no boundaries and no filter.

I was a handful. Learning about boundaries, how to create them, how to implement them, how to respect them, and WHY I must respect them, has been more valuable to me than any of what I learned in school.

It’s time to let the healing take over. This means not getting into my old trauma in any great detail anymore. I can still reference it, but I won’t be plotting out the situations. I can keep that high-level and brief.

What this means is that I will no longer be detailing my trauma related to the Narcissistic abuse that I experienced.

I no longer care about the Narcissists who blew through my life, leaving destruction. Instead, I look to the silver linings. There was a great deal of disruption, and while that did damage a few things, it also shook off a large number of negative things in my life.

The greatest example can be found in the number of Facebook “friends” who weren’t real friends. Many only knew me by name. The majority of them knew nothing about me, never talked to me, and didn’t even care to know me. They mostly ignored me on Facebook.

But when a negative bandwagon showed up to burn me at the stake, they joined right in.

Funny how they only got active once they heard a rumor about me. It makes sense that they would wholeheartedly believe it. Meanwhile my real friends who know me and who care saw this and stuck with me. They knew about my character, including my strengths and failings, and stuck by me.

Facebook friends played a secondary role in the Narcissistic abuse, since most of them functioned as Flying Monkeys. You can click the link to read what I wrote about Flying Monkeys if you need that defined. At any rate, I am glad and relieved to be done with them as well.

What I’ve read seems to be true, in that the average adult has 2-5 true friends. The rest are acquaintances, and I don’t really want them in my business.

That’s why I don’t need Facebook to keep up with friends. I can just text, email, or call them once in a while and we can catch up then. We don’t talk about politics or other things that fill up the pages of Facebook.

We get to choose to leave out the negative things that divide.

The good, real friends who care made a big difference in my ability to reach the positive place where I am right now.

I suppose the best way to end this is by noting what this change will mean to my blog.

What it means is less negativity and injury, and more positivity and healing. I have seriously never been in this type of headspace before, and it is rather invigorating. The world opens up. Yesterday, I did some major housework and found a creative way to get the rest of my studio set up.

I broke an actual sweat, AND I felt good about it.

Indeed, my Narcissism journey has entered a place of healing, where I can pack up that trauma and safely put it away somewhere, merely for the sake of reference when I suspect that I might need new boundaries, or should I wish to review my boundaries.

What topics remain for me include Narcissistic healing, Autism growth, music, media, cats, and more. I may also delve into fiction, which I tried for a while, until my MDD got in the way and shut that down.

With my MDD in check, I was able to get into a place of healing. Again, I attribute this to the meds that I was prescribed by my doctor, after we talked about the issue, as well as competent and productive weekly therapy sessions.

So we will see where all of this takes us. Wherever things end up going, I sense that it will be positive. This is a first for me, so I’m looking forward to sharing that adventure.

Published by DrumWild

Writing about drums, music, and philosophy.

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