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The Aggressive Quest for Peace

Yes, I decided to attempt a long form entry on my phone. Let’s see how this ends up.


There are many things that get in the way of peace. For some, there are more obstacles than there are for others. As an Autistic adult, my Autism can get in the way.

My Autism also fuels my Major Depressive Disorder, as well as my insomnia.

This is on top of what the average neurotypical person experiences in our post-modern dystopian society, where the wealthy, the privileged, and politicians make life difficult for those of us who are just trying to live our one-and-only lives just a little bit before we die. Just don’t die on the clock, or you will be admonished as you lay in your coffin, for being lazy and inconsiderate.

Because NOBODY dies without giving a two-week notice.

So it’s a case of our complicated problems being complicated by complicated complications. Something like that.

Get me a drink.


For Autistic people like me, one small failure can throw the entire day, week, or more completely out of whack. I have read of Autistic people who will notice a chair slightly out of place and lose their minds.

I am not that far down the spectrum with regard to this. But changes in schedule or major changes typically produce some rather horrible results.


My computer seemingly died a few weeks ago. I took it to a shop for diagnosis, after spending 8 hours sweating over the entire thing.

They found nothing. So I brought it home, hooked everything back up, and the problem persisted. I could not get Windows to boot up.

I would eventually figure out that a problem with the external hard drive was causing all of the USB ports to become non-responsive. The cable was loose, so I opened the external hard drive.

There, I found a standard 4TB hard drive with a USB interface card. Those cards often go bad, so I found a new one on Ebay for just under $15.

But then I realized that my computer had an extra port for a hard drive. This drive is standard, so it would fit. So I decided to make my external hard drive an internal one.

So I drove to Best Buy to get an essential cable for $7, before heading back home to try my hand at installing this.

But there were problems, where the hard drive was not responding. I tried just about everything. Eventually, I just unplugged the external drive, leaving the new cable plugged into the motherboard, and it all booted up. So I figured that I would take that drive out and stick to the original plan of fixing the external drive as it was.

So I took everything out and set up the computer. Nothing worked. I later figured out that a BIOS error was preventing it from booting, and the solution would be a reinstall of Windows. With my computer, there is a Windows installation available on the SSD, but the computer can’t access it.

This was when I realized that my computer was effectively dead, until I take it to a pro shop, which will cost money I do not have.


When the computer had troubles the first time and I spent at least 8 hours stressing over it, I had what could be described as the worst day in recent weeks.

All day long, I would unhook the computer, take it to the kitchen, open it up, try a few ideas, put it back together, take it back to the office, set it up, and find failure.

It was all caused by that external drive. And my stress was through the roof. I got more and more stressed as the minutes passed. It would not be hyperbolic to describe my stress as something that could have easily killed me.

But when the computer actually died, I decided to accept the truth of the situation and walk away.


The first time I thought the computer had died, it was due to an unknown issue. I didn’t know until after the technicians looked at it, and I brought it back home to experiment, that it was a failure of the external drive. And really, the drive might  not just have a dead interface, but might be completely dead.

But the second time it died, it was clear to me that I somehow killed it with my investigative actions.

This has me wondering if the mystery of the cause of the problem was what had me stressed. Sure, the computer problem interrupted my morning routine. But my routine was destroyed, at least on a short-term basis, by the computer death.


The other night, we decided to watch REPLICAS on Netflix. Trust me, it has something to do with this.

REPLICAS is a movie, starring Keanu Reeves, about a guy who is involved in a business that is working on technology that can copy a human being’s thoughts, memories, and everything, and transfer them into a robot.

The robot transfers aren’t really working out, but they have another process where they can create a human body clone in 17 days, and it will then be a full replica of the person that died.

He hasn’t yet tried the new clone process yet, when he is in a horrible car accident. In this accident, he survives, but his wife and three daughters do not.

In a total panic, he calls his assistant to bring equipment to the site, where they are going to attempt the clone experiment after he downloads all info from their brains.

During this time of panic, he demands a great deal from his assistant. You can feel the stress. As great as this stress may be, the stress that Keanu’s character endures is somehow even stronger.

Keanu’s character is risking his job and his life, as well as billions of dollars, trying to pull off this experiment in secret. The amount of stress he goes through to pull this off is nothing short of unfathomable. At one point, when he learns that they are short one pod, so he has to choose which family member he will not be saving.

From there, a series of unforeseen and unexpected things happen that make the stress even worse. I don’t think that I have given away too much, and recommend watching this if you can.


As I watched this movie, I saw the stress, and also saw what was causing the stress. As I noted this, I ended up being reminded of another movie titled Jacob’s Ladder. It’s about an American soldier who was fighting in Vietnam, and he starts having bizarre experiences.

Spoiler below, about the ending.

In that movie, at the end, the chiropractor [Danny Aiello] tells the main character [Tim Robbin’s], that the reason he was suffering so much was because he was clinging to all that he had in life. But once he let’s go, those demos will turn into angels.

Ah. I see.


Knowing what to do is one thing. Actually doing it is a completely different beast. Years ago, I had started reading the works of the great Stoic philosophers, such as Epictetus and Seneca. So far as I was concerned, I was trapped in a classic case of what I call “easier said than done.”

With my personal computer crisis, I knew that I had to accept the situation and let go. Letting go was what I needed to do, but I had yet to figure out how.

I thought about the situation and what I could specifically do about it. Turns out, I did not have the tools necessary to continue working on the computer, so I had to acknowledge that.

Next, I had to step away. I went onto the patio balcony and exhaled. The cold air hit my face. I closed my eyes and took myself back to a time before computers became a part of everyday life.

Suddenly, there I was, at my grandmother’s farm house. I could smell the farmhouse, the great outdoors, and the garage. The best way I could describe this is by saying that I could smell the 80s.

But this time, it wasn’t a case of nostalgia or a yearning to go back. I had actually gone back. In my mind, I was there! I enjoyed the sensation for a few minutes before opening my eyes and returning to “reality.”

I then realized that I was  not sitting at my desk. My desk was a source of stress, since I had worked from home on occasion for my last decade of work. I could not go back to my desk. There as no reason to go back to my desk. My computer, which was a tool for pleasure AND work, was out of commission, and I accepted that there was nothing I could do about it.

There is was. I felt freedom. It’s the kind of freedom that I hadn’t experienced since I graduated from high school, when I drove my 1972 Pontiac LeMans through the back roads in farming country. Music up. Wind in my/ face. Power beneath my feet. Money in my pocket. And NOBODY knew where I was. It’s the kind of experience that you cannot plan or easily replicate.

I also noticed the absence of stress, anger, and panic. These are powerful forces that had ruled my mind and my life for the longest time.

Then I had a wild thought. What if I could hang on to this feeling by not hanging on to it?


My awesome computer died, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m expecting a laptop to be delivered at some point next week, thanks to mom’s support.

I can’t record music or produce any decent videos, and a great deal of convenience is lost. That’s okay. I am fine with that. For what I have now is by far more valuable, and that is peace of mind.

And I won’t be writing like this again because the android app is just too janky. Every single paragraph AND line wrap takes forever to generate and show up, causing me to sometimes have to experience long pauses before I can see what I wrote and continue. Given that I type over 100WPM, this is a situation that is not sustainable. It’s probably caused be the Bluetooth keyboard. So I will see you all shortly after the laptop gets here.

My makeshift writing setup.

If you like what I write, then please consider sending a one-time donation to me via PayPal. Please use the following link and click SEND to donate, and thank you for reading!


Published by DrumWild

Writing about drums, music, and philosophy.

4 thoughts on “The Aggressive Quest for Peace

  1. Truly absorbing post, to be read and re-read as necessary; savored and digested. There are so many “Aha!” moments in this post that forges an emotional and spiritual connection between the writer and readers … priceless!

    Appreciate the detailed account concerning the computer’s misfortune. You tried everything possible; but it was just not to be. Glad Mom was able to help out.

    Also deeply appreciated is the time and effort taken to create this post via Bluetooth keyboard and cellphone. Warms the cockles of my heart, it does 🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Truly absorbing post, to be read and re-read as necessary; savored and digested. There are so many “Aha!” moments in this post that forge an emotional and spiritual connection between the writer and readers … priceless!

    Appreciate the detailed account concerning the computer’s misfortune. You tried everything possible; but it was just not to be. Glad Mom was able to help out.

    Also deeply appreciated is the time and effort taken to create this post via Bluetooth keyboard and cellphone. Warms the cockles of my heart, it does 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Most welcome, compadre. Keeping things real is almost impossible in today’s world; but you’ve managed to master the art. As for computers and AI, well; who knows? I think programmers and software developers secretly enjoy driving everyone else nuts!

        Liked by 1 person

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