I have been watching the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard trial in its entirety, live as it streams. It’s a horrifying thing to watch, from my perspective, and you’ll learn why after reading this.
There were two incidents in particular that triggered panick in my gut that I hadn’t felt since 1998. I’m going to share those clips and write about them as briefly as possible, with the hope that people will have a better understanding of what is going on in these situations.
This is not a comprehensive document on Borderline Personality Disorder, or any other mental health issue. These are just two of the many things that jumped out at me, causing me to be sick to my stomach.
People who suffer from BPD have minds and thoughts that are NOT rooted in anything resembling reality. One of those issues for which they hold a highly unreasonable fear is abandonment.
They will fear abandonment even if you do something like drive to the store and return 30 minutes later. Walking out the door is something that they simply CANNOT allow you to do!
In my situation, there was a fight, followed by my attempt to leave to take a “time out,” which was recommended by our couples counselor.
The fight came about because of a gift that I had gotten for her. She would always watch Martin Yan’s cooking show, Yan Can Cook. It was a cooking show, combined with an infomercial on his cooking utensils and cookbook, in a set that was not cheap.
I had the idiot idea of surprising her with a gift of this Martin Yan package.
As I watched and hoped that she’d love her gift and be happy, instead she started throwing it and yelling. “You got me KITCHEN SHIT as a gift? Why not go all the way and give me a vacuum cleaner, too!!!”
I was NOT expecting that.
She was in the kitchen messing with all of this stuff, sometimes loudly damaging the wok, when I had gotten a call about a job. As I was talking to the person, I heard a loud scream. She was lunging at me with the big knife from the gift!!
I dodged and forced the knife to be plunged into the couch. After that, I tried to leave for a time out. She blocked the door, screaming and crying, and wanted to know where I was going. Sometimes she’d ask who I was going to go see, as if I had a plan to cheat on her.
My frustration levels were growing [thanks, Autism!], and I knew that I needed to get out of there before she pushed something bad into reality. I did yell at her at one point, “Please let me go!”
She refused, so I decided to squeeze past her by pushing my body against her arm, which was blocking the door.
While I was taking my time out, she decided that it would be a good idea to dial 911 and have the police come over. They showed up while I was not there and took a report. This report caused me years of legal trouble, which has all since been exponged.
The officer on the scene got very creative with his descrption of the situation. I will never forget what he wrote.
“Assailant verbally assaulted victim and fled.”
Of course, I wasn’t an assailant. My yelling for her to let me go was NOT a verbal assault. She was NOT a victim of anything. And I did NOT flee; rather, I took my time out.
ANOTHER BOUT WITH ABANDONMENT
This happened when I was off to my first day at a new job. She wasn’t really working, so my income was HIGHLY important.
I made the mistake of telling her where I was working.
My office phone rings, and everyone looks over because it’s my first day and I should never be getting any phone calls. It was her.
“You need to come home RIGHT NOW, or I will kill myself.”
I attempted to give her a calm answer and hang up. That solved nothing. It eventually turned into a thing where she called me 30 times. Each time, I’d try to discretely lift the receiver and put it back down.
Then I heard other phones ring at other desks. She figured out how to increment the last number by 1, thereby getting different desks. Before long, everyone had gotten a call from her, including the company owner.
He called me in for a “chat.” “You have probably figured out by now that everyone in the office got a phone call from your wife. I got a call, too, and it sounds very serious. We are a family-oriented company. It is for this reason that we are going to give you all the free time that you could ever possibly need. You really should go home now, and do not come back.”
Yay. Great first impressions.
While I knew why she didn’t want me to go to work, it took me a long time to figure out why she had no problem with ruining my job, and thus our income.
My ex-wife is a Mexican woman, and I am a white man. She finally told me that she wasn’t worried about money concerns because, as she put it, “white men just have money.” It’s a weird, magical, racist idea that she maintained in her head.
TAUNTING AND BUTTON-PUSHING
This audio clip felt so familiar, as if it were a recording from inside my own home three decades ago.
This brought back lots of nightmares. But there is one in particular that stands out for me.
We had been going to a couples counselor for a while. The ex would mess up the schedule most times, by calling the day of the appointment to cancel because “everything is fine now,” which is NOT how this works. This would be followed by a panicked urgent message left with the therapist at 2:00am, declaring that something bad as happened, we’re in an emergency state, and we need to get in and be seen FIRST THING in the morning.
Sound nuts to you? It is.
The therapy sessions were not working out all that well, mainly because of her behaviors. Of all the sessions, one stands out.
I had decided before the session started that I wasn’t going to talk at all, because my ex would always talk over me and it would cause me a great deal of anxiety. Thanks again, Autism!
We were nearing the end of the session, when the therapist noted that I was being quiet, and asked me if I had anything to say.
So I started, “The main thing that I’d like to mention is…”
She would talk over me and interrupt. She did this 6 more times, interrupting me at the same place.
I felt comfortable losing my cool in front of a therapist, so I let it go. I picked up the box of tissues, threw them on the ground, kicked them across the room, and yelled about how she needs to be quiet because it’s MY turn to talk.
I sat down and cried, right there. The entire world felt hopeless, and I felt trapped.
The therapist called her out. “Did you see what just happened? Dan’s a big man, and he could potentially cause harm. Why did you do this?”
My ex looked at her, shrugged, and with a crazy laugh declared, “I don’t know [giggle].”
THE GOAL OF THE BUTTON-PUSHER
So why did Amber Heard and my ex do this? When they see an emotional soft spot or place of vulnerability they work to attack that.
She knew that being interrupted caused me great anxiety and stress. Once you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of a BPD person, they will hang onto that for the rest of their lives.
The goal of the button-pusher is to elicit reactions of aggravation, stress, anxiety, and confusion. They want to push their victim into a place where they can no longer contain themselves and end up lashing out in a violent manner.
Should this happen, they will then change their tone, declare themselves a victim, and go on the attack. They become an abuser who is abusing someone whom they claim to be an abuser.
A WARNING FROM A THERAPIST
The day after this incident, the couples counselor called me. She first asked me if it was safe to talk, because she knows that my ex would be triggered if she knew I was on a call. I told her it was safe, as I was at the office, and thanked her for asking before carrying on.
For all she knew, my ex could have been at work with me, staring over my shoulder and listening in.
She then told me that I needed to get away from her, “as if your life depends on it, because it does. The way she behaves, she will push until you are either dead or in jail.”
Dead, or in jail. Those are the only two options you have if you stick aroundf with a woman with BPD.
IN THE END
Based on my experience, I have some predictions about how the consequences of the Depp Heard trial will manifest and impact society.
As I write this in 2022, we are still in the METOO Movement. This movement included a few rather terrifying slogans:
- “Listen and believe.”
- “Believe all women.”
It’s pretty much the same thing, with one being more gender specific, in case there is any confusion. I think that people are starting to realize that believing all women is a mistake and a fool’s errand.
Those who wake up to this realization will note that, in the name of equality, women are just as capable as men when it comes to lying, cheating, stealing, or even killing.
This is because… ^and I know this will sound like a stretch^… women are human.
Yes, they are humans. Humans are what they are, and it’s not all good.
This will hopefully kill off the destructive narrative that men are always the perpetrators, and that women are always the helpless victims who can’t defend themselves.
Sugar, spice, and everything nice is what little girls are made of? VERY far from it! I think that little things like this instill bad values in children. It’s what I heard growing up. What were boys made of? Snips, snails, and puppydog tails.
This effectively puts boys and girls, or men and women, into two distinctly different boxes. It causes damage to BOTH sides.
Ultimately, my hope is that our American culture can finally recognize, accept, and realize that men are human beings who have feelings. Our culture has the attitude that men must be tough at all times and protect the women, who are little dainty flowers.
Frankly, it’s sexist against both men AND women. This has been working for women over at least the past two decades. When something works in a person’s favor, they are not so likely to want that apple cart tipped over.
To be clear, yes I do believe that Amber Heard is the abuser in this situation. I base this on experiences that I’ve had that are VERY similar to his. Plus she mocked him, telling him how embarrassing it will be if he, Johnny Depp, a man, tells the world that he is a victim of domestic violence, with “little girl” implied.
She didn’t think he would want that, but he wanted that. When you are in a situation like this, you’ll do anything to get out. That includes making the statement, which is embarrassing for men.
“I am a man, and I am a victim of domestic violence.”
This case may very well change the narrative of some Feminists, but more than likely society in general. Maybe after this, the METOO Movement will adopt a slogan that I have come up with, which is inclusive of men, women, and everyone else.
“Listen, take seriously, and investigate.”
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