How does one become a loner? Are they born or made? Is it just a case of “stupid kid shit” that they’ll grow out of eventually?
Through some highly honest self-reflection, I am going to attempt to answer some questions about this.
ELEMENTS OF THE BORN
The loner is a complex individual who is a combination of nature and nurture. In other words, they have personality attributes or birth defects that contribute to a social reaction that drives everything further underground.
In my case, I always knew there was something wrong with me, and did not find out that I am Autistic until I was 53 years old. By then, it’s a little bit too late to try to have a healthy childhood.
Another element is Major Depressive Disorder, or “Clinical Depression.” This causes a person to withdraw. At least, that’s half of what it does.
ELEMENTS OF THE MADE
The other half involves peers, or the social element. When they witness your withdrawal via depression, they will hammer home the idea that you should dig yourself deeper into isolation, for the good of the pack.
Socially speaking, being Autistic means saying the wrong things at the wrong time, or not understanding the subtext that is unspoken “between the lines,” or blurting out something that seems funny but might actually be socially inappropriate.
LIFE EXPERIENCE CONTRIBUTIONS
With the internal and external elements defined above, we can look at life events that drive isolation.
I had written before about my kindergarten teacher mocking me on Valentine’s Day because nobody put a card in my box. Everyone laughed. This was the same teacher who ignored my pleas to go to the bathroom, forcing me to urinate on myself in class in front of everyone.
I think the above is enough to create a serial killer, but I digress. It goes on.
In a more generic sense, a more common occurrence is being the last to be picked at team sports, or not getting picked at all. In my experience, it was always me and another “undesirable” kid. They’d pick him over me, and I’d be left on the sidelines.
Another element comes from Autism, and that the sensation of being picked out, or experiencing a special set of rules and enforcement that is different from what everyone else experiences. As I described the experience, “It feels like there are two sets of rules at play. One set for everyone else, and a special set just for me.”
An example of this is the concept of making mistakes. When other people at work make mistakes, they can laugh it off and they get the luxury of writing it off as a learning experience or teachable moment.
But when I make a mistake, it’s a Federal offense! I will get approached by management and get to hear that phrase of death that gives everyone who hears it chills.
“We need to chat. Got a minute?”
This is where I will get grilled by management about my mistake, get informed of my incompetence, and told that I’ll have plenty of time to think about my mistake while I’m standing in the unemployment line.
But be it work, school, or any other social setting, the tension, terror, and apprehension that I feel is second to none in anxiety fuel.
IMPACT IN THE LATER YEARS
Either you die young enough that it can be said you lived a good life, or you live long enough to realize just how fucked up your life actually was.
Engaging in lock-down during the COVID-19 pandemic was easy for me, as I had started isolating FOUR years before the lock-down. I was a seasoned pro, so it was a cakewalk for me. I got to watch everyone else get upset about it, while it was just another day for me.
Then I’d watch as people lost their social skills, and I’d get to see them struggle to be like me. Sometimes a violent Karen comes out of it. That’s how you know someone isn’t good at coping.
But as I type this, I think about how my therapist and others have told me that I “need to get out there” and meet people, or find a group, or something of the sort.
The thing is, I’ve lived for my entire life without a group, so I don’t really see the need for it, and I do not have the desire for it. Too much primate drama, social rules, hierarchy, and silly game-playing for me. I don’t know how to do those things.
Those behaviors have been labeled as “very unimportant” by me. That’s how you end up not fitting in.
A HOPEFUL ENDING, FOR ONCE
While I rarely leave the apartment, the internet does give me some sensation of being social at times. And if it ever gets to be too much, I can log off, or block someone, or delete my profile. It wouldn’t be the first time.
I consider myself fortunate that I didn’t turn out to be something horrible, like a serial killer. My life has all of the elements required to make that happen. The only thing blocking all of that is who I am on the inside. While others destroyed me socially, I did not allow them inside to rip me apart.
But whenever you see that serial killer, school shooter, or other socially broken person, it’s always the “normies” who are the first to cry and complain that their good life, their normal neighborhood, their mindless routines have been ruined or otherwise roughed up.
And they scream that they want answers.
I’ll give them answers. They won’t like it.
When your children mocked that child who was alone, when your church memebers decided to tell him that he was a demon and “less-than-human,” when everyone went out of their way to cause harm, YOU CONTRIBUTED TO THE CREATION OF THAT PERSON, AND THE CREATION OF THAT PROBLEM.
They’ll attribute it to satan, or something that has nothing to do with it, which is why the problem gets worse. They are AFRAID to LOOK IN THE MIRROR at themselves and realize that THEY ARE THE MONSTER CREATORS. THEY are the ones who pointed, laughed, and prodded until that person snapped and did something they’d not live to regret.
Their children created him and the situation with their social hierarchies and mockery.
Their churches created him and the situation by singling him out and socially punishing him, instead of welcoming him into the fold and teaching.
Their law enforcement created him and the situation by harassing him when his only crime was not fitting in.
Their school politicies created him and the situation when they failed to stop the bullies from attacking him, forcing him to start fending for himself and getting comfortable with violence.
The people who cry when something bad happens should be upset with themselves for creating the problem, but they aren’t smart enough to acknwoledge that.
IN THE END
I was working at MySpace one day, when I saw a co-worker in mental distress. He was trying to get something done, but this programmer was fucking with him royally. He’s that asshole jock who laughs at his fellow classmates who are poor or disadvantaged. He’s that guy who sees someone having a weak moment, and then decides to poke at that weakness with a hot stick until something pops.
I told the harasser to fuck off, and took the victim to the parking garage with me so he could vent. He yelled and screamed about how nobody was listening to him, how nobody cared, and how he wanted to make them pay for what they were doing to him.
He told me that he wanted to shoot up the office.
I talked him down from that.
Many lives were saved that day, and it was just because I saw someone being bullied, stepped in, said something, and showed the victim that I cared by listening to them.
If a person like me, who is severely socially crippled with almost NO skills at all, can step in and turn around a negative situation, then nobody else has an excuse.
Step it up, normies. Acknowledge your part in the creation of the socially isolated, as well as the socially criminal, and then work on changing your behaviors so that you can become a better person.
And becoming a better person doesn’t mean just believing in a god and calling it a day. It takes work and self-awareness. You can do it. I do it, and I don’t even have the skills.
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